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CHAPTER LIV.
WHICH TREATS OF VARIOUS CURIOUS THINGS THAT OCCURRED WHEN THE RESULT
OF THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS ANNOUNCED TO THE
COMMANDER.
MORNING dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and victory was
proclaimed by the vagabond army. And although General Potter had
been biting his thumbs in fear of the result, this news so restored
his courage that he mounted his three-cornered hat and declared
nothing would deter him in future from commanding in person and
making splinters of the enemy with his own sword.
"General!" exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rushing into the camp,
"the success of our arms is complete; yes, the god of war has
smiled, and we have gained a great victory over the enemy-"
"Truly, general," interrupted the commander-in-chief, "you deserve
well. But this I can tell you,-there is nothing like one man
infusing his strength into another, which it was my good luck to do
when directing you how to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest,
has crowned our arms with glory."
"Aye," replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I understand this well;
but if you could have commanded in person, much blood and many
valuable lives had been spared."
"That I am fully conscious of," rejoined the commander; "but when
men have prodigies to perform, two heads, if I have read right, are
better than one. But my horse is now restored to his usual good
condition, which, thank heaven, will afford me an opportunity of
displaying my valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, an
account of the dead and wounded; as also what you have done with the
prisoners." Broadbottom was not slow in performing this service, and
gave the commander such a wonderful account of the number of the
enemy they had killed that he stood surprised and confounded. "As
for the commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horse
and borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had dropped
a purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy." And with an
air of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained some
twenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him a
return of his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead,"
resumed Broadbottom, "we have buried them in the Banana Hills, from
which this great battle must take its name. And as you are well read
in philosophy, you will, I am sure, confess that we took the most
certain method in disposing of the wounded; for there were some
forty, and we hung every one of them."
"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as a
soldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by a
knowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of these
unfortunate men-"
"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom.
"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven a
service in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle,
they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promised
us."
"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general;
but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all at
liberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how they
took to their heels." An end was put to this dialogue by the
commander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as
he said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them for
their valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account of
the wonderful exploits each had performed,-all of which were
proceeded with to his entire satisfaction.
When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who was
not a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. And
though they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogether
presented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had he
in all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this
compliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost,
and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, were
well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter.
"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the
guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting
any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is
imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can
perform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander
that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of
much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors.
"And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can
swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing
exactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more than
one New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of the
most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-looking
man, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander,
who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers being
satisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports,
which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowing
descriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, and
which, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York
dance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love for
latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them a
huge quantity of it." And this so satisfied the great Potter of his
being a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that he
gave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded by
telling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted.
When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a special
bearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken from
the enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands of
his wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he was
engaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the
head of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty
soon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she might
circulate among the neighbors.
And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader
will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke
practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the
whole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting the
purse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by
a scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor natives
on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of their
all.
Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that,
feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night again
found him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reached
on the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through
deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have made
such shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although the
general would have it that the mission of his army was to reform the
nation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake.
Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted him
to the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only two
hundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had ever
been his good fortune to know. The general found this army encamped
within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wisely
kept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrels
had afforded them the means of activity necessary to the good
condition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they were
daily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the
perfection of an army of extermination. And now that these two
wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves to
the exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. In
fine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain of
compliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world in
general, and for themselves in particular. And while all these
ceremonies were being performed to the great delight of the
recipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts'
content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying their
inclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continued
plundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seen
in their yards nor a banana in their fields.
Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left to
riot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining General
Potter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a
confused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of the
guard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report,
that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in the
outskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of the
windows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outposts
we approached to the very window, and looking in discovered eleven
priests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them
discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. And
after praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, and
saying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when they
had gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees,
commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And
this I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is
impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged our
overthrow." Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests,
their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and their
countenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched into
the camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and have
brought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, making
a bow as he withdrew.
The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men was indeed
enough to have enlisted sympathy in their behalf. An end was thus
put to the banquet, and Don Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners,
in a peremptory manner, what they had to say for themselves. One
more aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as it
was their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence to the Great
Master, so also would they remain true to their king; nor would they
crave mercy, since "God protected the right." It must here be
mentioned that the two commanders formed themselves into a court,
and sat in judgment upon these holy men; while the rest cared not a
whit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that you have
been guilty of conspiracy," spoke Don Perez Goneti, "which means
that you have merited the halter, which I order you at daylight in
the morning; and may the devil take care of you until then, so get
to your beads." The guards now marched them away in solemn
procession. No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, who
had at first commended this sentence, turned to his compatriot, and
with an air of much anxiety, said: "Pray do not let it be said that
I question the justice of your judgment, but I would have you take
heed how you hang priests, for being invested with a holiness the
unrighteous cannot understand, I am told they have revengeful
spirits, which will come back, and not only come back and haunt us
wherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as to seal our
downfall."
"Aye, and there you are right," rejoined Goneti, "for to my own
knowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a priest hung, and his spirit
came back and so haunted the kingdom, that it has not prospered
since."
"You see then that I have looked well into the thing, and offer you
sound logic;" resumed the ready Potter. "Hear me, sir! for I have a
better punishment in my head. Spare these holy men the hanging, and
let each be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal's
hinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, let it be
ordered that they ride three hours during the day, for not less than
ten days, making a circle in the plaza, and offering up such prayers
as our souls may stand in need of." This so delighted Don Goneti
that he marvelled at the breadth of his compatriot's intellect, and
not only set him down for a man of prodigious resources, but at once
fell in with his opinion, forthwith issuing an order that it be
carried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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