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CHAPTER LIII.
WHICH DESCRIBES THE ARRIVAL OF AN ARMY OF VAGABONDS; AND HOW THE
GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS FOUGHT.
GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himself
a great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultingly
by Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning,
and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded people
of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, and
imagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took to
their heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded as
a great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less than
five hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work of
their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chief
were well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was that
Glenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more just
such cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York,
and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of.
And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poor
natives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart's
content, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great it
was to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appear
before him, that he might consult with them concerning various
projects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum-
mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as many
major-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume of
battle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, and
editors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had brought
them to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken of
the General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen!
conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listen
with becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, and
intend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offered
to our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that
I have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and as
I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is the
undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer at
us; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung and
glorified in many lands. Remember that success closes malicious
mouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits
not blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that of
a country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns the
glory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when the
enemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is:
"Compositum jus fasque animi," which, seeing that you are all
scholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow we
will march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick."
The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which I
venture to assert was never excelled for originality, though many
stranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to their
officers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all the
weaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether it
were better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a
fool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure,
promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that his
orders would be obeyed to the letter.
And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, and
looking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during the
interview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your
opinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a
set of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." Whispering,
with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavor
about them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet,
either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they have
long been familiar with the bottle."
"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think of
them, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellington
and Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keeping
these generals from making war upon one another; though you may find
it difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy
appears."
"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his
head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between
themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of
the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show
me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend
Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor
of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of
respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and
stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge,
your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to
lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would
prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has
fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr.
Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding
Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots,
since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under
poverty.
On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and
with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of
vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection
of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end
of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever
shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the
first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts
and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the
noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the
general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to
say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall
came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general,
who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the
whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the
Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quite
compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I
must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and
discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear,
ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well
scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon
them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army
in trim for making them dance again.
When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under
all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had
lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right
good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he,
addressing his second in command, "that the success of our
undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great
learning."
"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only by
your men of great learning, our country will have little to boast of
in that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the
night."
The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, and
bid him act upon it. "You must know sir," said he, "that it is so
many years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memory
needs much refreshing on these small matters." He also ordered
Broadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his
secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delight
of those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about the
secretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch where
dancing was to be had.
And now when all was quiet; when the general, having seen his horse
comfortably provided for; when not even a vulture was heard croaking
his hopes of a banquet on some dead hero; and when the great and all
powerful Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army was
thrown into a state of great confusion by various voices calling out
that they had come upon the enemy, who was forming for battle. The
alarm soon found the whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give as
good as sent, though report had it that the force of the enemy was
prodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting for breath, came
rushing into the commander's camp, crying at the very top of his
voice: "General! general! for heavens sake get up and take command
of the army, for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and there
will be one of the bloodiest battles!" A clash of arms was now heard
outside, which confirmed what he said, and also sent a thrill of
terror to the heart of the great Potter, whose stock of courage was
as suddenly snuffed out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clash
of arms, and then night was made terrible with divers other piercing
cries common to battles of the most sanguinary character.
Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a general to
let his army know that even an ounce of his courage had left him, he
gave a turn in the sheets and was out of bed in a jiffy. He then got
into his breeches, but not without some delay, occasioned, I am
sorry to say, by divers snakes having invaded the camp and coiled
themselves peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added to
the time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he would
trip the toes of all who came in his way, had well-nigh incurred the
most fatal consequences. "Minutes are hours, general," spoke
Broadbottom, addressing the commander; "and the slightest delay may
play the very devil with the glory of our arms, and put an end to
the noble enterprise we are engaged in." Hearing this from his
second in command, the general quickened his motions and, buckling
on his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but without either coat or
boots. Indeed, I here assert that history, so far as I have read,
affords no instance of one so famous in war as the great Potter
proceeding to take command of his army in so strange a uniform.
"Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can command
an army unless he be mounted." Broadbottom, who was a stalwarth
Mississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in that
state of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost for
want of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And as
misfortunes will come upon us during the most trying moments, so was
it found on reaching old Battle that he had been suddenly seized
with a cholic, and indeed was giving out so many proofs of his
illness that his master was unable to withhold his tears. In short,
so strong was the affection General Potter bore his horse that,
being a man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight a
terrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned him how
much his presence was needed on the field. "Heavens! general," said
he, wiping the tears from his eyes, "get you to the field without a
moment's delay, sink all scientific rules, attack the enemy in front
and rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither for him
or the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him into confusion
and give us a victory. Take the fighting of this great battle to
yourself, for I see you are a man of wonderful capacity. And if you
give the enemy a right good drubbing, depend upon it I will make the
glory all your own, for it shall be recorded in more than one
newspaper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this condition."
Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for his horse, and
proceeded to carry out the orders of his superior, the extraordinary
result of which will be found in the next chapter.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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