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CHAPTER LII.
WHICH RECORDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE ICE
WAS DISSOLVED.
NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter may
appear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If any
one doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that a
few seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of a
merry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the
experiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takes
place in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whom
must preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of the
release.
When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored to
their clothes, the general thanked the priests for their great
kindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event,
which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, had
in no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I have
great discernment, Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches,
"and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of the
king will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, and
I had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine." "If your
excellency would take my advice," replied Tickler, "he would get
speedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should take
it into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I would
not give a straw for either of our lives." An escort, mounted on
mules and asses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for it
was the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up their
alls. And this being done with the assistance of the priests, they
were soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler on
his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast,
which they reached in due season, and where this remarkable
plenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested,
for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned,
seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in reality
busying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for
getting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betook
himself to studying the language of the country, his want of which
he discovered had nearly cost him his life.
While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatches
were transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general set
forth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government to
take the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of
the senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent a
fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senators
demanded the production of these despatches, since they had a
curious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no time
in complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve the
reader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one,
which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock of
honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads as
follows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama,
October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. the Secretary of State for the United
States.
"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me to
keep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this,
then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as you
are no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now,
all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph with
which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesy
condescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as your
honor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrant
knave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughts
that he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well
enough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as the
light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolved
to show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to be
terrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian we
also serve God. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I
squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as your
honor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desire
that I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, I
must tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than he
went right into a passion, conducting himself very like a New York
alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matter
worse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue's
end. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, and
so, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me to
sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have your
honor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage and
the fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our country
was all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotism
boil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tell
the president that with a few sturdy fellows at my back and I had
made short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at this
place, where I intend remaining for some time. With great
consideration, I remain, &c., &c.,
"ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister."
The reading of this curious document afforded the senate no little
diversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for it
discovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to perform
its offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate,
though proverbially good natured, made it incumbent on the
administration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day.
When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped his
fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as is
common with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed his
secretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yet
afforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it:
indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be rid
of an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death's
door.
The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter was
soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against the
government, and had taken the field against the king and his
followers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of the
priests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundry
dispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had made
such movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, the
general had received letters advising him of the shipment of a whole
cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market.
In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchant
was; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes for
overthrowing governments that had their origin in the disordered
brain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant had
consigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could be
found to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying the
contents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General Roger
Potter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea,
Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession of
it, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him a
dollar profit.
And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the general
flattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomatic
responsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position to
have revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fighting
vagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mounted
on old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had
proclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas.
For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also the
battle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought in
modern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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