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CHAPTER L.
IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND THE MOST FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF THE
JOURNEY TO NEZUB; AND ALSO WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER WAS
PRESENTED TO THE KING.
WHEN it was high noon, the usually quiet town of Buzabub was
suddenly thrown into a state of great commotion. Horns were sounded,
reeds blown, and bells jingled. In fine, so many and various were
the ways in which homage was paid to the departure of the "great
ambassador," that it would be impossible to enumerate them in this
history.
A messenger now entered the priest's house to announce the readiness
of the train; and as his reverence had prepared his saddle-bags and
umbrella, and laid in a good stock of provisions, he led the way
into the street, followed by the general and his secretary. Here
they found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already mounted
on their mules, which displeased the good father, for he was a man
of courtesy, and knew what was due to rank. After some debate as to
the position old Battle should take, it was agreed that he follow
next the palanquin, and be led by a native; and this so delighted
the general, that he promised to remember it all the rest of his
life. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and all the rest
of mankind. And the priest having mounted his ass, and Mr. Tickler
his mule, this wonderful train of cattle, so remarkably mounted, set
off under a burning sun, the general in the van, and the priest
bringing up the rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for the
provision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were followed by
a tumultuous throng, sounding horns and cheering until they had
reached some distance beyond the town.
For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant manner, resting to
take refreshments three times a day, pitching their tents at night
beneath palm trees, or in mango groves, interspersing mass and
prayers with various amusements for the diversion of the general and
the priest, who was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no very
high opinion of those of his order who go about with doleful
countenances. And when they were halted, the general got of the
priest much concerning the differences existing between his order
and the renegades, between whom a deadly fued existed, both
struggling for an ascendancy in the government. Tickler also found
excellent companions in the renegades, with whom he discussed
matters of ancestry and books, of which both professed to know much,
though truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as ever
left their own country to pester the authorities of another. They
were also curious to learn of Tickler what had brought his master to
Kalorama; but on that score he was as ignorant as themselves, though
of his master's influence at home he assured them no man had more.
He also gave them a wonderful account of his many achievements in
war.
Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of each village
through which they passed welcoming them with salutations of joy,
paying great reverence to the priest and his ass, and regaling them
with fruits and such other refreshments as their humble plantations
afforded.
Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they had proceeded
some four miles up a gradually inclining slope, when the City of
Nezub appeared in sight, on the brow of a hill, almost buried in a
grove of palms, and surrounded by picturesque scenery, over which
the clear atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps of
mango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast to the softer
herbage on the slopes; while the earth seemed teeming with the
richest flowers, impregnating the air with their sweet odors.
When they were within a mile of the city, numerous shabby-looking
dignitaries, and a great concourse of half-naked people, came out to
meet them, and amidst music and rejoicing accompanied them to the
city, and indeed, seemed anxious to carry the priest and his ass on
their shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision of old
Battle's shabby appearance. And now, when the bearers had carried
the general to a little cottage, provided for him at the expense of
the king, and he was safely lodged in his quarters, the good priest
took leave of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his home
feeling that he had rendered all the service required of him. "Upon
my soul," said the general, when the priest was gone, "but they
would not make all this ceremony if they knew the drift of my mind.
Take notice, Tickler, that they have here a fine country, which is
so scurvily governed, that to my mind there would be no harm in
taking it away from them."
"Your excellency knows best about that," replied Mr. Tickler, "but
the devil take me if I want to share the hanging you might get in
playing at that game. Please run your eye over the instructions, and
see what they say on that head."
"I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these matters,
for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you break it. And as it
is customary with the best of our ministers to look over instead of
into their instructions, you will not find me behind any of them,
for I intend to astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Mark
that well. And if you have not courage to join me in these things,
why, the quicker you get home the better, for I hold that a man of
your metal is always best off where his gallantry and such other
graces as heaven has blessed him with will attract most adorers."
"Faith of my mother! but your excellency talks queerly. I have not a
dollar in my pocket, and you bid me get home over a road lined with
robbers" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Now that I am here, and owe a
service to the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that I
left your excellency, who will see my courage come out when he
affords me an opportunity." They now spent three days in close
consultation on the precise language necessary in addressing the
king at the first audience, which he had signified his readiness, to
grant on the morning of the fourth day. The general insisted that it
be interpersed with so much latin as to confuse both the king and
the interpreter, though both were profound scholars. "I have rare
skill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows but you grind it up
so in the delivery that neither the king nor the devil can
understand a word of it. And as your English is good enough for the
best of them, I would advise you to stick to it, since no great
military man ever gained anything by dabbling in classics." This so
touched the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that he
went right into a rapsody of delight. "I begin to be of your way of
thinking, friend Tickler," said he, tossing his head approvingly. "I
have speeches enough in my head, and am resolved to make the first
that comes to my tongues end."
And now, when the morning on which they were to have an audience
with the king was come, the general arrayed himself in his best
uniform, not forgetting his three cornered hat and white gloves; and
mounting old Battle as Mr. Tickler mounted his mule, they proceeded
to the king's palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in a
pretty square, and surrounded by shade trees and clustering vines.
Here they were received with the blowing of horns and jingling of
bells; which continued to keep up a deafening sound while they were
being conducted into the presence of his majesty, who wore a bright
red cloak, and a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. In
complexion his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as to
figure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps not as clean
a one, as could be found in all the kingdoms round about: in short,
if his majesty was none of the cleanest, he at least wore a
contented air, which is rare with kings. And as he sat on his throne
of ingeniously woven palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewing
his pipes and holding a parley with various priests than listening
to the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very much
doubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a happy
indifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow of ponderous
belly and face, calling himself Don Perez Goneti, but whose real
name was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, and as arrant a rascal as
ever left Georgia to save his neck, now came forward, and addressing
the general, informed him that he was the king's keeper, and
lawgiver to the nation. This announcement surprised the general, for
the man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a red
ruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed that this Don
Perez Goneti bore a much stronger resemblance to an escaped convict,
or a street juggler, than to a great lawgiver. A consultation now
took place between this great lawgiver and the general, as to
whether the speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty.
"For," said the lawgiver, "his majesty is no fool." "And if he takes
me for one, it will not be wise of him!" replied the general. The
lawgiver now presented the general, with uncommon ceremony. And
although the king bowed, it was evident he regarded the
plenipotentiary with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heaven
to be rid of both him and his secretary. The general tugged up his
breeches, and with an air of self-complacency truly admirable, spoke
as follows, the lawgiver acting as interpreter. "May it please your
majesty, to whose gracious consideration I commend myself, I am
general Roger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your majesty
has heard enough said. And this gentleman (here he turned to Mr.
Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps not so well known, but,
nevertheless, a man of reputation."
The king yawned and inquired of his minister what the queer looking
man said.
"He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is true enough.
But he requests that you acknowlege him the greatest living
ambassador! Honestly, your majesty, he has great skill as a jester,
which I take it is why he was sent here."
"Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says touching our
greatness may be turned to profit. Let him proceed, that he prove
the wisdom of his government in sending him." The lawgiver now bid
the general proceed.
"Here are my credentials," resumed the general, "and if your majesty
will run his eye over them, he will see that the president of the
United States accredits me minister extraordinary to your majesty's
court. That being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will return
it with similar testimony. Of the good nature of our president no
man can say a word but in praise; and I can swear he entertains a
high opinion of your royal person, is earnestly desirous of
preserving peace between us, and resolved to respect that comity
which should rule among nations so distinguished, and without which
neither of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sympathies
in common. As for myself, all I have to say is that your majesty
will find my conduct so squared as to be acceptable in your eyes,
for Heaven is with the peacemakers." Here the general paused as Don
Perez Goneti proceeded to the interpretation.
"The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang me if I know
what to make of it. But this I do know: he says many things that
would not be pleasing to your majesty's refined ears; such for
instance, as that your majesty governs so badly, and has so little
knowledge for turning the vast resources of his country to
advantage, that the president of the United States seriously
contemplates taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would be
acceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed people." At
this, his sable majesty went right into a passion and so conducted
himself, ordering the queer strangers, as he called them, taken into
the plaza and hanged, without further ceremony, that General Potter
and Mr. Tickler (neither of whom could understand a word he said)
set him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what it all
meant, and began to have fears for their safety. Indeed the state of
confusion that reigned in the audience chamber came well-nigh
putting an end to this remarkable mission. "Pray Mr. Lawgiver, what
is the matter with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost his
understanding?" inquired the general.
"It is only a freak of his; and if you would have the truth of it, I
can tell you, that he is berating these vagabond priests, who give
him no peace of his life." Don Perez Goneti then turned to the king,
and said: "If your majesty will but listen another minute, he may
hear something more pleasing, for the ambassador says he has
something good in store."
"Let him proceed then," replied the king, "and if he redeem himself,
the hanging shall be spared." The general resumed, while Mr. Tickler
trembled in his boots.
"It is come to the president's knowledge, that your majesty is in
possession of several valuable Islands, which in their present
condition yield no revenue. Therefore he has directed me to say that
he will relieve you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses as
Heaven ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majesty
that the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and so long
as he can get them, cares not a whit for the means!"
"May it please your majesty, this great ambassador has a most
fertile imagination, to which he adds a supple tongue. He says the
evils of your reign are the natural results of the mischievous
interference on the part of the priests; and that the President of
the United States, having resolved that this state of things shall
no longer exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands,
and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has ordained." This so
exasperated the king, that he swore, in the language of his country,
that he verily believed the persons before him vagabonds sent by the
devil to disturb the peace of his country. Nor indeed were the
priests backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered among
themselves that he ought to be well hanged for the slur flung at
their order. "Take these men away!" exclaimed the king in the
height of his passion, which he was saved from further betraying by
the uplifted hand of the priests; "and tomorrow morning at
parrot-wink let them be well hanged in the plaza." The king and the
priests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded General
Potter and his secretary that they must needs inquire what it all
meant, for their difference of tongues left a gloomy void between
them. And when it was explained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy they
were, they looked one at the other in consternation, and were led
away perplexed and full of sorrow.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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