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CHAPTER XLIX.
WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY
GAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS.
LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally
disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his
understanding on the following morning, and to his utter
astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move
to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the
tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries
of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he
had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm
a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this
mission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard
the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat
alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and
his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come
to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the
good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got
was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the
sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned
joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience,
then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much
perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as he
stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded
upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage
vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into
a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in
a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through
purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was
so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my
trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I
have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of
condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so
deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that
sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which
was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the
heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several
minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of
giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and
suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a
politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for
his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he
would be the death of every bat in the cave.
The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and
moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which
rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the
general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at
the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an
opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light
flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror,
discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the
ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a
pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father,
protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered,
and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him;
several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was
no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military
men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been
buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his
thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O
forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited
the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told
lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I
have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you
will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not
die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and
so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall
surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving
Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw
near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of
truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the
facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer;
again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the
very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient,
for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing
cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened
to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was
admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as
suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the
angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench,
demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that
she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl
ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for"
said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is
surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as
father Segong describes him."
The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of
the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore
away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult
offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner
sallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance to
ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the
authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each
other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so
much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at
once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted
friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my
courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the
soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr.
Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call
that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick,
why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know
something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of
me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The
general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the
officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he
replied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was no
trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack
robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to
carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they
demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this
country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with
the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our
representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard."
"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me,
gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army,"
rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigure
his face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it.
They had now reached the inn when they assisted him in washing his
face, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They also
convinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching the
country round for him, which increased his confidence in their
sincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, and
felt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightest
damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interfered
with his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country,
the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, and
then took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning
what had befallen his secretary.
On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as to
the quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted him
warmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at his
absence. "For," said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast has
waited your excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his
secretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, and
was much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If your
excellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to get
the trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking my
way home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life," spoke
the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no man
of heart could have withheld his pity.
"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general,
with an air of astonishment.
"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! If
instead of assisting you in making treaties, going to court, and
enjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consist
in his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundled
about like a Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for the
office, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for I
hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright by
these tortures." Not satisfied with this explanation, the general
demanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him an
account of what had occurred; saying that when he came to his
senses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; and
indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by his
fears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayed
until he was released; to all of which the general listened
attentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. In
short, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been
harshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "being
a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to take
these trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it down
to those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutack
robbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that the
more fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, the
better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in store
for us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a great
diplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, your
pockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from
your mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the time
comes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!"
"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aught
against my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then I
stick to your excellency, if he go to the devil." They now returned
and took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when it
was over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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