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CHAPTER XLVI.
CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER
AND HIS SECRETARY CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYING
HORSE.
BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the names
of such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I have
resolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by the
fancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give me
credit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of common
sense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel on
which this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place on
board might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionable
episodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held at
Washington for the entertainment of such aged members of the service
as are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, the
minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations held
among young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must be
confessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to the
ship.
When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on board
had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another began
to hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity in
various ways, styling him "Your Excellency," and intimating that he
must be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon
discovered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon
various subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter what
subject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of taking
care of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics and
a simpleton in so many other things they could not clearly
understand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion
that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman with
designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister.
Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existing
between the general and his secretary, who had more than once
declared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the
true quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolved
among themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. He
had entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements of
the Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at
which they were all astonished and confounded.
When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his new
uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verily
believed necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engage
in, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity of
manner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom
which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing the
line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of the
sea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you to
your satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials then
display their skill at riding the flying horse, the success or
failure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of the
success or failure of their mission."
The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "I
own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, "that if you approached me
on matters of government or something that concerns the politics of
our country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairs
of the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. As
to riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my
secretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, I
can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and care
not to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let this
Neptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can be
dispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond of
ceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with this
savage king."
"Your Excellency reasons well," rejoined the Lieutenant; "but
judging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is as
familiar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would not
have it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors,
who held themselves honored in being the recipients of this
ceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in their
dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present,
the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them,
while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highest
officials."
"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many others
have said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And,
as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with my
secretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of the
shaving." Having returned this answer, the general sought his
secretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation that
had taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which the
learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally good
saints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was as
scrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed,
kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's best
pomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to render
service either to his government or ladies in distress, he verily
believed the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who were
much given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and therefore
he would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general,
however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen of
such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with the
respectability of a secretary invested with such important
functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of the
first lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers were
gathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and all
assured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that they
had not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed
in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, they
begged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept up
with a view to test the real courage and resolution of high
officials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I am
not frightened at trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat
agitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is not
generally known among barbers. And I have read every book written by
Ike Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of our
maudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he say
about secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner with
their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride the
flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray let
the ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am no
dump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentleman
had better stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The
officers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, and
resolved to carry it into effect on the following morning.
And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which the great and
all-absorbing event was to take place. A clear sky, a sea so calm
that scarce a ripple was to be seen, every sail spread to its utmost
capacity, and the mellow tints of the rising sun playing over and
investing them with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing.
And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the breeze that
fanned through her canvass.
The officers were astir before Mother Carey's chickens had dipped
their wings; indeed, the very elements seemed to have combined to
favor this great and wonderful event, which, seeing that it was in
honor of so great a politician as General Roger Potter, was to
surpass all other events hitherto recorded in this history.
A stage of rough planks was erected during the night just abaft the
fore-mast, and over this a mizen topgallant studding-sail formed an
awning, between which and the mast there was a huge wind-sail,
leading down into the forehatch. The fore-courser and lower
studding-sails were now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched to
inform the general and his secretary that the ship was crossing the
line, and as Neptune's temper was crispy of age, he might on
discovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Not content with
this, two officers high in rank rushed into the state-room of Mr.
Tickler, and evincing great anxiety lest his reputation for courage
suffer, drew him from his berth, and winding him up in a sheet, bore
him struggling in their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. At
the same time a great blowing of sea-conchs (said to be Neptune's
chorus), accompanied by the heaving and splashing of waters, was
heard directly under the bows, and was indeed enough to strike
terror into a stronger heart than Tickler possessed. In short, the
secretary found his courage giving out, notwithstanding he had on
the evening previous given several of the officers a most
interesting account of the many duels he had figured in. In truth,
it must be confessed that if the secretary had not been secured to
his seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of precedents, have
taken to his heels and left the ceremony to those who had a liking
for it. And as it was, his fears continued to increase with the
approach of the ceremony.
A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed in order
from the orlop to the fore-chains. At this moment the general,
arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied forth with becoming
dignity, and evidently much concerned about the important part he
was to play in this great event, for he felt in his heart that the
honor of his country depended entirely upon the skill he displayed
in riding the flying horse. He was also not a little concerned lest
his secretary should fail to carry himself with becoming nerve, and
encouraged him with promises to permit him to say things creditable
to himself in his first letter to the New York Daily Discoverer.
Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt as could well
be imagined, now rose with great gravity and stateliness over the
bow; and having cast a piercing glance at the file of men, who
raised their hats and saluted him with becoming deference, advanced
slowly, and being met by two senior lieutenants, was first informed
of the great fame of the voyagers, and then welcomed on board with a
speech. This done he was introduced to, and exchanged courtesies
with the general, who made him sundry bows, and would have put many
questions to him concerning his ancestry; but as it was customary
with him to lose no time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving.
Perhaps I ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore a
sort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions; that his beard was
like unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, and hung
almost to his waist; and that a crown of sea-moss decorated his
venerable head. Muttering something in a language the first
lieutenant declared was Spanish, and exchanging bows with Mr.
Tickler, whose face and beard only were visible above the white
sheet, Neptune resigned his trident to one of the sailors, and
approaching the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt his
beard, then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. A
grinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, and an immense
bowl, held with his left arm; and this was filled with a composite
for shaving, such, I venture to assert, as Rushton never thought of;
for being a mixture of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escaped
was anything but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his temper,
and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, which was not
uncommon with him when he spoke natural, that he saw through the
whole thing; and that the man who defiled his beard with such stuff
as that would have to suffer for it when he got the use of his
hands. Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather with
an immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated the critic, who
cried for mercy at the very top of his voice, to the no small
diversion of the bystanders, who enjoyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptune
then commenced to shave the critic with an immense razor made of
wood; but he was so nervous in the management of it, and scraped the
critic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed out at the very top
of his voice, "Holy Saint Peter! come to my relief, and let not this
thy child be tortured by his enemies!"
"Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself with courage, Mr.
Tickler," said the general, apparently quite as much diverted as any
of them: "I have a hearty respect enough for these critics; but if
they let their courage leak out in this way, Heaven only knows what
they will do when they come to face the guns of the enemy?" he
concluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Having
stepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were all surprised
and astonished to find that Neptune had disappeared amidst the
plunging of waters and blowing of sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gone
when an immense current of water came down upon the head of the
suffering Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more than
the tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured from
buckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in the windsail
close by. And the force and density of this so nearly drowned the
simple-minded critic that he several times gasped for breath, and
indeed seemed on the very point of dissolution. The whole ceremony
was performed in a remarkably short space of time; and when the
lathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at liberty, he cast
the winding sheet from his shoulders, stood a few moments making the
most savage gestures at his adversaries, (most of whom had sought
places of safety,) and challenged the best of them to meet him like
men; then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering as he passed the
general, "Faith! and I wish your excellency better luck with what
there is left." It ought to be mentioned here that the hanging by
the heels, which is a part of this excellent and very ancient
custom, was, out of sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic,
omitted in this instance.
The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled to
perfection; but as there was but little motion on the ship, it was
resolved not to ride the flying-horse until breakfast was over, when
it was hoped a rolling motion of the hull would afford a better
opportunity for the display of skill. "Mr. Lieutenant," said the
general, approaching that officer with his ear canted, and touching
him confidentially on the arm, "although there was sport enough in
this shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain fears about
riding the flying-horse; as you say, it may afford me a chance to
display my courage and horsemanship: but, if it be similar to the
shaving, I cannot see wherein it will serve my dignity; and
therefore I say that it seems to my mind better that you give the
performance to some other gentleman." The lieutenant replied that
this was a feat entirely free from the severities accompanying the
shaving; in truth, that it was solely a means of displaying agility,
being much practised by the South Carolinians after their
tournaments. And in order to prove to him that it was in every way
worthy the high consideration of so distinguished a politician and
general, he promised to make several of the seamen give him an
example. Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the general
proceeded to prepare himself.
When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on deck to witness
the general's skill at riding the flying-horse. The ship rolled
lazily, an oar with the blade resting upon the quarter deck, the
stock extending some eight or ten feet forward and secured near the
end with a rope made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse,
which swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was then
placed on the end of the oar, when an old experienced sailor mounted
with a staff in his hand, and having crossed his legs (like a tailor
upon his board), let go the rope, and, with his hands extended,
swung to the motion of the ship, maintaining his balance with the
ease and composure of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hat
with his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the feat, he
thrice repeated it to the great delight of all on board. "Faith of
my father!" exclaimed the general, "I see no great things in that;
and if it be all you require in proof of my courage, I will show you
that I can do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it would
give me to ride my horse Battle." All now made way for the wonderful
general, whose shortness of legs rendered it necessary to bring
benches to facilitate his mounting; for the flying-horse stood some
six feet or more from the spar deck, and was not so easily mounted
by a general accustomed to the saddle.
A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders while the
great General Potter proceeded to mount; which he effected after
considerable puffing and fussing, and adjusting his three-cornered
hat, of which he was singularly scrupulous. Holding on by the rope
with great tenacity, the only difficulty now in the way seemed his
legs, which were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring he
had never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the back, he
proposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, when he would show
them that he could dislodge the hat with great agility sitting
astride the oar. But as this would leave no chance for the sport
that was to follow, the officers all asserted upon their reputations
that in no instance of which they had any knowledge had such a
concession been made, no matter how distinguished the ambassador.
But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, two of the officers
assisted him in getting his legs crossed. This done the benches were
cleared, and, not a little disturbed in his courage, the gallant
general swung away to the motion of the ship. Several voices now
called to him, demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge the
hat. "When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to me,
gentlemen, that he had better be left to choose his own time in
parting with it!" replied the general. He however let go the rope,
and suddenly making a pass at the hat with his staff, lost his
balance and was plunged headlong into the larboard scuppers, and
with such force that had not his bones been equal to wrought-iron,
not a sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out such
pitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge of the serious
character of the joke, which was put an end to by their picking him
up and bearing him away to his cabin.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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