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CHAPTER XLIII.
WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TO
NEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS.
SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the
cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission
a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be
confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion;
indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of
sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves
in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good
sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be
harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be
accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the
earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be
required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform
some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get
into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would
there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would
not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange
indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New
York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such
important services to his party should apply for a mission so
obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his
credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant
in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his
demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further,
there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering
gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his
importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would
be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to
grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare
his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials.
A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous
for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small
surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General
Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King
of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many
gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out
the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine
what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to
derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many
intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind
to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a
wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a
tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors
must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles
disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this
appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had
the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to
follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a
more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter
and its future results.
The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's
prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he
spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be
appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of
the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary
value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now
and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little
sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his
thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an
extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that
would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent
it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make
the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he
already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic
exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do.
And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his
shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair
beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall
know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have
already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the
office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all
conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant,
which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a
turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."
"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content
enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of
being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are
sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"
"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take it
he is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields to
all the demands I shall make of him."
"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though I
have knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my back
to no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for these
knives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two between
them and a man's life."
"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivate
your courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew a
fresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man would
live in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage
enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. You
shall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And now
that we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soon
see that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any of
them, if the clergy but let him alone."
"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I like
to feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now," rejoined
the critic, casting an anxious look at his chief.
"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold that
every malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak ill
of you."
Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he had
so many times built of air, and declared that in addition to not
having enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught the
landlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in his
thoughts.
"Remember, friend," resumed the general, "the law will not let him
hang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there will
be no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did the
widow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself
with his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you be
firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, and
always standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make his
enemies dance."
"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have me
shell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, and
I'd be set down for a great rogue."
"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper.
And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let your
inclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellow
out of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualities
for a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion at
this day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt,
and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is
getting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you
pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down the
avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; and
when you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him you
are seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven
for the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials.
Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join you
in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all our
efforts, and this is no time to trifle."
Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then he
remembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallant
Irish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought,
it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinion
none could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he was
now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several of
his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding there
could be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord's
concern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, the
general had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been a
critic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some
damsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to live
fashionably for at least a week.
"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I think
none the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I will
raise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you have
been waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by
those murdering villains who infest the city; that the government
had better bestir itself in the matter." Thus spoke the general; and
soon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler,
consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded
forthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore.
Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a great
stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerning
which the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up at
least a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clear
up the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company with
General Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that he
saw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still another
would have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in the
company of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; and
that both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the
island, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made to
give an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was,
he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated his
diplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought,
however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matters
caused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right.
When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, and
demanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amount
due from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was no
law by which the host could compel payment, and the general declared
he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheer
politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore no
few oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how he
entertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this the
general remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, took
his departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutely
watching his movements, following the carriage and importuning for
the amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But the
general only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it was
agreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an after
consideration."
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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