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CHAPTER XXXIII.
WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR DROPPED THE TITLE OF MAJOR, AND TOOK
THAT OF GENERAL; ALSO, HOW HE JOINED THE YOUNG AMERICAN BANKING
HOUSE OF PICKLE, PRIG, & FLUTTER.
"WHEN the lady had enlisted my sympathy by her narrative," continued
the major, "which she related in a voice so sweet and melodious that
I listened to her with unmixed pleasure, the door bell rang, and Mr.
Pickle, a man of straight person and medium height, entered. His
hair was black, and curled down his neck, which was symmetrical.
And, too, his face was singularly expressive, and his features
prominent. In a word, his appearance was prepossessing. And in
addition to dressing in the fashion of the day, he wore many jewels.
His bearing also was graceful; and on entering the room, he
addressed the lady with much courtesy, and called her Maria. She in
turn introduced him to me as her husband. And I must say he seemed
not a little surprised and confused at hearing my name, and inquired
a second time, if I was the Major Roger Potter, of whom so much had
been said in the newspapers? And when I satisfied him on that point,
he became so truly delighted that he immediately engaged me in
conversation concerning the state of the nation, about which he was
well read, and indeed knew so much, that I at once took him for a
politician. But he assured me he was not; and to farther satisfy me,
he commenced a description of the banking and other operations the
Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter were engaged
in. They had an office near Wall Street, furnished with the finest
desks, carved in black walnut, and Brussels carpets, and stationery
of a quality sufficient to carry on an endless amount of diplomacy.
They had books showing their correspondence with various prominent
bankers in Europe-such as George Peabody, the Rothschilds, Overand,
Gurney, & Co., of London; and Monroe & Co., of Paris. They had cards
printed showing the most respectable references; they had
correspondents in all important towns over the Union, and towns they
had none in were not worthy of so distinguished a consideration.
They had gold mines in Peru and Mexico and California; silver mines
in Chili, and iron mines in Patagonia and Nova Scotia. As to copper
mines, they owned them here and there all the way from Lake Superior
to Cuba and Valparaiso. Indeed, they owned and were agents for such
an innumerable quantity of outlying property, that a country
gentleman, as I was, might have imagined them in possession of at
least one half of South America, and that the only one worth having.
In addition to this, they condescended at times to discount notes,
especially when it was a sure thing, and five per cent. a month was
a matter of no consequence with the holder. They drew bills, too,
and sold exchange on every city in Europe; and would have drawn on
Canton, had they been honored with a demand. In fine, there was not
a city from Constantinople to Oregon, in which they had not a
balance, and were prepared to draw upon. And I verily believe that,
had it been necessary, they would have had a Bedouin Arab for agent
in Egypt. The house now stood much in need of a little ready cash to
steady it on one side, and a prominent name (if coupled with a
military title, so much the better) to prop up its dignity on the
other. Indeed, I discovered from what Pickle said that the dignity
of the house had already begun to tottle a little, and needed a
steadying name and a steadying balance.
"When we had taken supper together, he renewed the conversation,
which finally resulted in his saying that a person so popular as
myself was just such a one as they wanted for partner in their
house. Inquiring what I thought of the matter, he said he would
propose it to the firm, and to-morrow make me a proposal. He also
suggested, that if I would drop the Major, and assume the title of
General-a thing done every day by the greatest of politicians-the
effect would be equal to a large amount of capital. Generals stood
well in Wall Street; generals were excellent men (when endorsed by
bishops) to send abroad to effect loans; generals were capital
fellows to get well out of a financial collapse; in fact, generals
were just the men to get through any sort of difficulty. Society
bowed to a general; the people were charmed by a general; a general
was every thing to a Young American Banking House like that of
Pickle, Prig, & Flutter. No matter how visionary your scheme, you
had only to tie a general to it, and success was certain. If you
could buy up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then the
general would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was the custom
of the day, to praise every scheme they were engaged in. I thought
the offer very kind of Mr. Pickle, since my affairs were in a
financial collapse; and on the following day met his partners, at
their banking house, which was an exceedingly stylish affair. The
result was, I became a partner in the concern-a silent partner, with
the name and title of General Roger Sherman Potter, Prig holding it
good policy to retain the Sherman, that being a name of great weight
in the banking world.
"The consummation of this being announced in all the newspapers, it
was ordered that I occupy a seat in the office at an immense
mahogany desk, at least three hours a day. I was to have all the
daily papers duly filed at my hand, and to appear immersed in a pile
of correspondence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If a
customer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who was the
polite man of the firm, and generally sat in an enclosure of highly
polished walnut railings, at a desk, upon which lay an enormous
ledger he was for ever footing up, and which he at times left with
great reluctance. Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer to
a foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, engaged
in filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leaving unnoticed much
that the house did, I may mention that it soon got into an extensive
credit; for Flutter, who was a man of extremely good looks and
dress, kept two of the best looking and most expensive female
companions in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of seven
horses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem; and these
qualifications were excellent passports into the credit of the
banking world of Wall Street. In truth, Flutter would frequently
say, that the very hue and circumstance of their establishment was
such as to make an impression upon, and secure the confidence of,
the most flinty hearted banker; and as love of show was the malady
of the nation, you must make the plaster to suit.
"Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor operations, and left
to Prig and Flutter the sole management of the exchanges. And both
being extremely generous men, and fast enough for any thing, they
soon made a large circle of friends, whose paper they were ready to
endorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all my wants, and
began to think myself the happiest of men. It was also deemed
advisable, and for the advantage of the house, that I should go to
board at the Astor. So, rubbing out the old score, I left my humble
lodgings at Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where,
on seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high favor with
the landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We went on swimmingly
for nearly a year, and the Young American Banking House of Pickle,
Prig, Flutter, & Co., it got rumored on the street, had been
wonderfully prosperous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to live
like a lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellent
person, and our children played with the children of the best of
them. One day, a short time after we had been drawing no end of
bills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, there came back upon
us such a large amount of returned paper as completely drove Flutter
out of sight, while Prig said he held it advisable not to be seen at
the counter. Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to be
found. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and offered all the
excuses his ingenuity could invent to save himself from a cage with
bars. Curses came like thunder claps upon the head of the house, but
it was all to no effect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursing
money out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as useless
an occupation as trying to get goods out of the custom house without
feeing an employ, of that very accommodating asylum for idlers and
rogues. The house thought it advisable to shut up, which it did by
posting a notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I felt
like making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to send me
some less perplexing mission; for the thing got into the newspapers,
and we were held up to be a set of impostors, who deserved to be
well hanged.
"And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised a cry of holy
horror that such miscreants had been suffered to pollute the
atmosphere of its righteousness; to preserve which its votaries were
ready to call in all the bishops and priests of the land; though not
a word was said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings with
the tears of widows they had induced to invest in divers schemes.
But to make the matter worse, it was found that Flutter, who was
skilled in caligraphy, and could imitate the signatures of others to
perfection, had raised a large amount of money on a species of
collateral that proved to be worthless, though excellent as
illustrating his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter could
manufacture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarely
excelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, and all
attempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry proved futile, poor
Pickle was arrested, called a miscreant, and all sorts of evil
names; but was declared innocent by a jury of his peers, though his
trial made a great noise, and there were enough unkind enough to say
he ought to get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Sly
insinuations were also cast out about me; but they were coupled with
so much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by the concern, I
proceeded straight to the Astor, explained the state of my distress
to the landlord, who indulged his disappointment with a few regrets,
but at length said I ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He said
he would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that fortune
would so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. The Young American
Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., being at an end, I
held it prudent to give up my mission to Washington, (I had received
news that my chances were slender,) and get quickly and quietly to
my wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take her and the
family to live among the fine folks of New York, and was sorely
grieved when the truth came out, but soon embraced me like a good
wife. And together we lived as happily as could be desired, (I made
calf brogans at twenty cents a pair,) until I went to the Mexican
War, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way to
distinction."
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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