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CHAPTER XXXI.
RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER, WHICH
GRIEVOUSLY DISTURBED THE MAJOR'S EQUANIMITY.
As the major entered the great entrance to the St. Nicholas, a well
dressed man of medium size advanced toward him, somewhat nervously,
and fixing a quick, suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his ear
something that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confused
and bewildered. Seeing that he had "private" business with the
major, the honorable gentlemen of this reception committee, with
becoming discretion, quietly took their departure. "If you please,
sir," said the man, "there is a little matter of business-these are
delicate matters; but you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as my
duty will admit,) I treat every one whose acquaintance I make in
this way with indulgence, and more especially men of your standing."
Here the man timorously commenced drawing an ominous looking
document from his coat pocket, but the major interrupted, by
touching him on the arm, and saying, in a whisper, "As you are a man
of discretion, pray deal with me like a gentleman, and just come up
stairs; for I would have you be cautious how you let your business
out."
The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful distance, and
soon both disappeared into the major's parlor.
"Don't allow yourself to have any fears, sir; for I pledge you no
one will know my business. I may say, for I see you are nervous,
that I pay so many little attentions here, and to politicians,
though not so great as yourself, that most folks fancy me a guest of
the house." The man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he saw
the major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After finding
one, he held it before his eye:
"And now, sir," said he, "hoping to find you the gentleman I take
you for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, which will no doubt
do you good, pray tell me what the matter is, and who it is that
seeks to take advantage of me?"
"Astor House," replied the man, dryly. "The proprietors are as good,
generous fellows as can be found; but they have a way of wanting
their own. They direct me to treat you as becomes a gentleman. And
now, sir, my name is Tom Flanders; and if you will say how you
propose to settle this little affair?"
The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his breeches,
and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a state of deep study,
in which he remained until the visitor's patience was well nigh worn
out.
"My time, if you please to consider it," replied the man, "is
money!" Here he read the writ, and the affidavit affixed thereto.
"Upon my soul," the major replied, drawing his chair nearer the man,
and extending his hand, "we can settle this affair, and be the best
of friends! It's an old stick, but that does not matter; and you
have said the truth of those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesy
it was not right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, when
a guest at their house, to say it might suit my position and economy
better to take private board."
"It's only one hundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. The
interest, they were good enough to say, should be thrown in, which
is something," muttered the man.
There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley Hanniford,
who had "done him out" of the money intended for this very bill.
Perhaps, thought the major, having come councilman, he will feel
like making me an atonement, who knows? "Upon my reputation, sir, I
have hit, (yes, I have,) I have hit on a way of settling this little
matter between us!" said he, with an air of exultation. "There is
one Councilman Finnigan, who not many years ago, (I say it in
confidence,) and when he was an honest Quaker, and went by the name
of Greeley Hanniford, did very unkindly do me out of all my money.
Only the other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, and
if he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. And seeing
that the city, in reward for his past deeds, has made him one of its
happy fathers, I take it he has straightened his morals, and become
a good christian."
The major here paused, and then inquired of the official if he would
condescend to accompany him to the residence of Councilman Finnigan.
The officer, in return immediately declared his readiness to proceed
with him; at the same time begged to remind him that the journey
would be to no purpose; for though the city fathers were fond enough
of the city pie, and always made out to keep their fingers in it,
they took good care no one else got a sop of the sauce. As to
expecting justice of Councilman Finnigan for a past wrong, it was as
well to look for gold on Barren Island. They, however, proceeded
together to the house of the councilman, and on finding him at home
immediately communicated their business, to his great surprise. In
truth, the high official immediately began to plead his poverty; and
though he would not hear a word concerning the little affair of the
pocket book, honestly confessed that he had more than once had it in
contemplation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of a
small loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his score at the
Pewter Mug.
I ought to mention that the councilman treated the victim of his
early pranks with much consideration, and after discoursing some
time upon the inconveniences of his attendant poverty, took down his
whiskey, which he said was an indifferent drink to offer so great a
politician, but the best his means would afford. And as it was a
drink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a priest of great
learning, and no renegade, as he had been called by the Herald and
Tribune, he hoped he would excuse the rest.
He then explained to him how it was that the city fathers were
proverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing to the parsimony of
the old comptroller, who, when they felt inclined to be liberal to
one another, set himself up for an inquisition. And after expressing
his warmest sympathy for the major's misfortunes, referred him to
Alderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of notes, and did a
favor for a friend now and then, especially when there was a large
return and no uncertainty. The major and his official friend
repaired without delay to the alderman's house. But that gentleman
only had a thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr.
Councilman Blennerhasset, who represented his distresses as quite
enough for any poor gentleman to manage, render him any material
relief; though the truth of the matter was, that he was up for
Congress, and required all his surplus to purchase votes. The major
now began to discern the complexion of his friends, and set to work
thanking heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. In
short, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an ass; and as
the official began to evince considerable uneasiness, and speak of
the value of his time, the major declared his wits at fault. It
however came suddenly into his head that he would straightway go to
the Astor, and plead his case with the landlord, who being a man of
sympathy, and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain.
Indeed, he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered how
kindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune that had made
him a sufferer, which was proof of a man of tender heart. He now
communicated his intention to the official, who begged him to
remember how far his indulgence had already extended. "You see,
sir," said he, "we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully as
circumstances will permit; but unless we get something in return our
children would go naked." The major now discovered the inclinations
of the man, and enjoining him to be comforted, slipped a piece of
gold into his hand. And this quickly proved that such medicine went
to the right place, and was a sure panacea with officials for the
ills of impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve him,
when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition to being
purged of all his impatience, I verily believe he would have
accompanied the major to the devil, (if his inclinations had taken a
turn that way,) so great was his condescension and readiness to
serve him.
They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found the landlord in
his usual good humor, and so glad to see the major that, after
shaking him heartily by the hand, he would fain enter his name upon
the register as a guest at his house. "It is many years since we
met, sir, and fortune, though it has given me no money, has done
something for us both," said the major, when they had sufficiently
exchanged compliments.
"Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; as for the
money, pray do what you can for us; for our house has been a place
of comfort for military men and politicians. And I know you will
take no offence when I say that 'no money' is the cry with which
they raise their voices to us."
"Upon my soul, sir," interrupted the major, swaying his shoulders,
"it is not becoming of them to do so with a man of your generosity."
"You have my thanks," rejoined the landlord, with a smile. "I may
say, we wish our guests well, and do cheerfully what we can to make
the voyage of life pleasant." And while they were thus addressing
one another, and endeavoring to outdo in compliments, the official
took up his position a few paces aside, and amused himself by
twirling on his heel.
"Indulgence well directed, sir," resumed the major, looking askance
at the landlord, "produces wonderful effects. And, sir, if you will
just please to bestow it in this instance, it will settle the little
matter between us, and preserve our friendship. I confess, being a
straightforward, honest man, that too many years have passed since
your great generosity permitted me to become your debtor. But such,
sir, is the condition of my financial affairs, that though I have
popularity enough for any politician, I swear by my military
reputation that I have not now a dollar in my pocket, and as my
wife, Polly Potter, used to say, you can't get butter out of a pine
tree."
"I assure you, sir," rejoined the landlord, "it was not our
intention to give you trouble, and so quiet your apprehensions."
"And now, sir," exclaimed the major, grasping the landlord warmly by
the hand, "I see you are a philosopher; for though you might lock
me up, (being your property in law,) and cause my wife Polly to
bewail my fate, you would also lock up my prospects, which are your
hopes. Remember, sir, I am a soldier who has fought many battles,
and have scars enough to satisfy any man that I am an honorable
gentleman. And I would have you consider, sir, that several of my
friends, (and they are no small men,) have said it might do to try
me in the next presidential contest. And as you are a discreet man,
pray keep before your eyes how easy it would be with a salary of
twenty-five thousand dollars and the edgings, to shuffle off such a
trifle. Consider it well, sir, and you will not let your anxiety
interfere with my prospects, since I am now a man of mark, and shall
at least get a foreign mission, for the vast services I have
rendered the party. And I will share the income with you, if my
children go supperless to bed." The major continued in this manner,
pleading his poverty with the landlord, until he so excited the
goodness of his heart, that he not only regretted having resorted to
law, but actually dispatched the official to his attorney with
orders to forthwith stay proceedings. He also accepted the major's
word of honor for the forthcoming of all demands; and, indeed, would
not be content until he had dined at his house, and recounted the
many deeds of valor he had performed while in Mexico, which he did
over a bottle of old Madeira.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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