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CHAPTER XXX.
WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE CALLS OF DISTINGUISHED
PERSONS, AND HOW HE DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OF HIS MISSION.
THE landlord enjoined the major, when they returned to the hotel,
not to think so much of his horse, for he could not render much
service to a military man. As for the pig, he could be depended upon
as a source of revenue in case of need, which quite satisfied him on
the matter of his bill.
The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving calls, for
divers distinguished persons had read his speech in the newspapers,
and were eager to pay homage to one of such rare gifts. Among them
were prominent members of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimated
that he might condescend to make them a speech from the Exchange
steps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the Board of
Brokers; citizens distinguished for their bountiful charities;
members of the Union Club, who suggested that they would propose him
for a member; members of the New York Club, who knew he would like
to become a member of their body, which consisted of distinguished
persons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. A person
of lean visage, who constituted himself a delegate from the Century
Club, begged to inform the major that the club was composed of poor
but very respectable literary persons, who eschewed liquors and
cigars, and were about introducing a by-law for the admission of
ladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the good
conduct of all aspiring youths. The club, he knew, would be most
happy to make him a member. A delegation from the Knickerbocker
represented their club as the most cosy place imaginable; as for the
members, they had so strong a turn for literature, that they had
elected a grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visit
from him would indeed be held as a high honor; and as it was
strictly forbidden that any member discover inebriation before ten
o'clock, he could not fail of spending a cheerful hour with them.
Each brought some such powerful argument to sustain their
comparative claims to his favorable consideration. He also received
invitations to visit various factories, and become a member of
certain charitable societies for the taking care of widows and
orphans, and poor authors with large families. In truth, one might
have thought they imagined him a man capable of conquering the world
with thirty thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile of
invitations spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro was
played on the square at his establishment, which was visited by none
but gentlemen of fashion and circumstance. Mrs. Wise, too, intimated
in one of the most delicately perfumed billets, that her soirees
were the most select in the city, and if so distinguished a major
would honor her with a call, she would guarantee the rest.
The major had much to say to all who visited him; and though they
listened with particular attention, there was something so strange
about him, that, notwithstanding they would, in the coolness of
their judgment, have set him down for an insane man, they could not
reconcile such a condition of mind with the masterly speech in the
morning papers. They were also much disappointed at his appearance,
for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than a great
politician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair short
cropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain his
dignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune and
earth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor the
man of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius,
who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently wore
the tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was not
to be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at first
sight by any but his companions in arms. Hence he found
inexpressible pleasure in the calls of several persons, who, though
they had never smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight in
the appellation of generals. One of these was as great a general as
New York was capable of producing, and set much value upon his
valor, though the only columns he was known to have led to battle,
were those of a ponderous newspaper, in which was carefully
preserved all the spice and essence of a wonderful warrior. He could
write destructive three column articles with perfect ease, gave
extensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an opinion
ready on all great questions, could get up his choler or his pistol
at the shortest notice, could lay his magnificent pistol away as
quietly as any other man when the occasion for it was over; and he
could, if the nation would only spare him, govern the world with the
same refreshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at Lord
Twaddlepole's table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say,
this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it was for
exhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, and for letting
mankind in general know that he had joined the church, which latter
was well enough, seeing that it atoned for numerous bygone
backslidings. And as he stood in his boots, nearly two feet taller
than the major, it was curious to witness the elongation of the
little, rotund figure that stood bowing before him. "I see, sir,"
spoke the general, whose name was Toadytrip, "that you are a
soldier, and belong to the noble profession, in which I flatter
myself I have obtained distinction, though it has fallen short of my
expectations."
The major received the general with becoming courtesy, and after
expressing his gratification at meeting so famous a companion in
arms, inquired as to the wars he had fought in, and what number of
scars he had received.
Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general self
sufficiency, and was at first not a little embarrassed; but at
length he replied, that though he had never been in battle, he was
ready to serve him with meal or metal in any of his undertakings.
They now shook hands, and strengthened their friendship over a
little brandy, for the general was an advocate of temperance only
when it applied to others.
"You must know, sir," said the major, "that I am no scurvy fellow,
but a man who has stood the devil knows how much buffeting in
politics. I have made eight and twenty speeches, sir, in a month;
and it was said of me that no man could better them. And if you
would know more of my doings, please refer to my companions in the
Mexican War."
"Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I give a tea party, and
among the rest of my guests I expect a bishop and a nobleman, who is
traveling over the country. They are both honest men, and as jolly
fellows as can be found in the land. Honor us with your company,
sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common kind; for there
will not be one of the lower order among my guests, and the high
promotion you have obtained must, I am sure, be the result of many
battles, which my friends will be delighted to hear an account of."
The major was delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafter
be shown, was not in a condition to honor the general's tea party
with his presence. And the general, having expressed his
gratification at this meeting, took his departure, with many bows
and assurances of friendship. When he was gone, there came several
equally great generals and colonels, though editors of smaller
newspapers; several of these promised him the support of their
columns in any great undertaking he might embark in. This was
especially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen,
both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give them a pledge
not to form an alliance with the English. In addition to this, they
discovered a strong inclination for what was in the bottle, of which
the major gave them to drink, and sent them home happy.
It being now two o'clock, the major ordered a black bombazine frock
coat from Wyman's, and the committee of reception having arrived
with a carriage, he immediately entered it, and was rolled away for
the City Hall, where he was received with much pomp and ceremony by
Don Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a speech, such
as, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. And the major replied
with his customary rhodomontade. Both considered the event an
extraordinary one, auguring greater things to themselves. It must,
in truth, be said of Don Fernando, that he could receive guests with
a courtliness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought it
necessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a strong
resemblance to such as may daily be found in the morning papers.
When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, Don Fernando took
great pains to show the major several objects of greatest interest
in the Hall, among which was his corpulent chief of police, and a
little man of the name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer and
factotum. He then took him by the arm, and they sallied out into a
great hall, the walls of which were hung with portraits of mayors
and other great men. Indeed it seemed as if it were a malady with
mayors to admire their own portraits. The small modicum of vanity
which slumbered in Don Fernando's bosom quickly took fire, and
deeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any thing that
might be of deep interest to so great a visitor, he pleasantly
added, that a portrait of himself would soon enhance the splendors
of the gallery.
And in order to give more perfection to the reception, and to make
it in every way worthy of so great a politician, he had his troop of
worthy policemen drawn up in front of the City Hall, where they
performed a series of marches and counter-marches with such
wonderful precision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousand
acres of land in California that a more orderly body of men was not
to be found. The major expressed himself delighted with what he saw
of them. "Indeed, sir," said he, "I am pleased to see that they
carry their clubs like men accustomed to a mighty master. And let
malicious scribblers say what they will of them, I make no doubt
they will either keep or break the peace at your bidding." At this
Don Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whisper a word about
their agility for smashing skulls, and sleeping at street corners,
which was truly wonderful.
The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, and taking
leave of Don Fernando, with many assurances of esteem for his great
administrative abilities, repaired to his carriage, and returned to
the hotel, where he met with a misfortune, the quality of which will
be related in the next chapter.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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