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CHAPTER XXV.
WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RECEIVED BY THE COMMODORE OF THE
YACHT SQUADRON, AND SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS
HISTORY WOULD NOT SUSTAIN ITS CHARACTER FOR TRUTH.
UNGRATEFUL indeed would it be in me, the writer of this history, the
companion in arms, and admirer of all that is great and good in the
major as a military politician, did I fail to record, in honor of
his gallantry, of which none could be more scrupulous, that he
offered his arm and escorted Flora safe on board the Saucy Kate,
apologizing for the worn condition of his raiment, and regretting
exceedingly that he was not habited in his uniform. And although
flushed with the importance of what had taken place, the major was
haunted with a misgiving as to what ladies of such quality would
think of his traveling in so humble a manner. But he bethought
himself, that neither scepters, nor miters, nor grand equipages,
make the man-in fine, that a man may ride an ass without saddle or
bridle and find a good home in heaven, when the doors would be shut
against bishops who roll about in liveries devised by the devil,
which is his occupation. And this brought him such infinite relief,
that he hastened to his faithful old Battle, and having bestowed
upon him sundry caresses, told him he ought to be thankful he had so
fortunate a master. He also paid a visit to his pig, who was
sleeping soundly in his cage of slats. "Now, then," said the major
to himself, as he looked in upon the animal with an air of great
self-satisfaction, "in the possession of this gifted creature I have
a staunch reliance. And should fortune again send me strolling upon
the world, as it has done many a popular politician, I will so
develop this fellow's gifts that they shall be worth a bank in Wall
Street. In truth, he is as well bred as most of our politicians; and
as to his honesty, I will pit him against any of them." As Duncan
did not manifest the slightest regard for these kindly tokens, the
major went quietly into the cabin, and there occupied himself for
more than an hour furbishing up a sword of uncommon size, and a
three cornered hat the moths had reduced to dilapidation, though he
charged it all to the bullets of the Mexicans. And when they were
polished to his entire satisfaction, and he had twice or thrice
thanked God that it was not the failing of politicians to turn
parsons, as it was with parsons to turn politicians, he lay down
upon the locker and soon was in a sound sleep, in which he dreamed
of a thousand or more things that were to take place in honor of him
on the following day.
The Saucy Kate was not long in gaining the commodore's yacht, a
rakish looking schooner of some two hundred tons, whose lofty spars
and middle staysail were seen overtopping the sails of her lesser
companions, like a giant among dwarfs. And although it was past
midnight when Frank Story entered her cabin, he found it filled with
members of the club, who, at the invitation of the commodore, had
left their several yachts, and were making night jubilant over a
table spread with choice wines, of which there was no stint. There
were also massive punch bowls, of chased silver, standing here and
there along the table, and filled with delicious punch, which those
who preferred drank from goblets of silver and gold. Commodore Skim-
merhorn, who sat at the head of the table, was a man of rotund
figure, had a bright, ruddy face, and was frank and easy in his
bearing. When he of the tall figure entered they were discussing a
question of Greek criticism, some of the members of the club being
men of much taste and learning. But this they suspended in order to
hear his report of the strange sloop. And this he commenced to
relate, describing with so much quaint humor the wonderful major he
had found on board, that they were all surprised and astonished. In
truth, not a few proposed going immediately to pay their respects to
him, and learn to what manner of mankind he belonged. But if they
were surprised with the description, they marveled when told that
this major was no less a person than he whom the New York
politicians intended to make such an ado over. However, as the New
York politicians were most known for their folly, and making a hero
now and then was with them a means of getting bread, it was not so
surprising that they chose for a candidate one who would pass
readily for a fool.
The speaker added, that with all the vanity of the man, (and in
conceits he could not be surpassed even by the erudite Dr. Easley,
who contemplated himself the most learned scholar and critic,) he
sometimes spoke such sense as to make the listener mistake him for a
wise man. He next afforded them much diversion by relating what
passed when he informed the major how the squadron had come in
search of him, and were delighted at being first to do him honor.
Every one present entered immediately into the joke they resolved to
carry out on the following day, which was arranged with great
deliberation, lest any part of it should fail of being properly
executed.
And now that Aurora had taken down her shutters, and was filling the
eastern sky with pale, misty light, that threw an halo over the
deep, dark foliage of the mountain heights, reflecting their shadows
along the still, polished waters, so lovely was the morning, so like
a picture of repose each object, and the whole so invested with a
mysterious stillness, that one might have mistaken it for a fairy
scene. The yacht squadron was ranging alongside of the "Two Marys,"
forming a port and starboard line, with the Commodore off the
weather bow. As the sun peeped out from the watery horizon, two guns
were discharged from the Commodore's yacht, and so loud was the
report that the major suddenly stopped his snoring, and springing to
his feet in a state of great confusion, began to call out at the top
of his voice that the sloop was sinking. But he as suddenly regained
his senses, and called to mind the honors that were to be paid him,
he felt great alarm lest he had overslept himself, and besought
Captain Luke Snider, who turned out of his berth at the same moment,
to run upon deck and say he was not quite ready to receive them. But
as Captain Luke took no heed of his request, and thought only of
getting into port, the major, in his great anxiety, ran himself upon
deck in his shirt, and cut so sorry a figure that no man would have
envied him. All was as still and lonely as the Lybian coast-not a
wail came over the sea. Now only the dull stillness was broken by
some forlorn robin whistling his song along the shore.
The major, satisfied that the cannon were fired only to welcome the
rising sun, and not in honor of him, returned to the cabin, where he
got into his breeches and boots. He then drew from under a pile of
rubbish in one of the berths, a pair of holsters, he declared were
presented to him by General Jefferson Davis, for gallant deeds done
during the Mexican War, though no sensible man would have given a
dime for them. With these, and his saddle and bridle, he again
repaired upon deck, where, after no little exertion, he got old
Battle upon his feet.
"It seems, my faithful horse, as if heaven lent thee to me for a
mighty purpose," said the major, addressing his horse, who gave
himself a hearty shake, and stretched his head and neck to their
utmost extent. And after he had said many other encouraging things
to his horse, he gave him such an excellent rubbing down that, had
it not been for the immense size of his legs, which now appeared
quite as short as the major's, no one would have taken him for the
same animal. This done, he bridled and saddled him; and with the
holsters secured (though they were without pistols,) he was in the
major's eye, as war-like a horse as could be desired.
The morning advanced, and breakfast was scarcely over, when a breeze
sprung up, which, giving the squadron a leading wind, they began to
trim their sails. A port gun was then fired from the commodore's
yacht, which was followed by their colors being run up, and floating
gayly in the wind. A boat now put off, and being rowed by four men,
with an officer in the stern sheets, soon reached the "Two Marys."
The officer came on board, and with great courtesy of manner,
inquired for Major Roger Potter, who now came forward dressed in the
most wonderful uniform ever worn by military politician, inasmuch as
there were two patches on his seat of honor, and his coat, which
could boast of but one epaulette, had lost a portion of the tails.
"He whom you seek, honored sir," replied the major, making a low
bow, "stands before you. And as I see you are an officer, here's my
hand, for it does me good to meet a brave man."
The officer who was slender of figure, and had a youthful
appearance, now delivered a letter from the commodore, saying that
he was delighted to have met one who had so distinguished himself in
the country's service, and that he held it an honor of no small
importance that he had been selected to perform this mission. And
when he had taken his departure, which he did without further
ceremony, the major approached me, and opening the letter, asked me
to read it, as he was none of the quickest at reading writing,
which, indeed, was a failing with all great men. I took the letter
from his hands, and read as follows: "On board Yacht --, June 14th,
Throg's Point bearing W.N.W. 12 miles distance.
"The Commodore of the Yacht Squadron presents his compliments to his
honor, Major Potter, and begs to say that on becoming aware of the
great reception to be given him in New York, and that it was solely
in consideration of the great services rendered his country, in war
as well as peace, the members of this club, desirous of enhancing
the grandeur of that reception, passed a resolution declaring it
their unanimous will to proceed without delay to meet you, offer you
their congratulations, and escort you to the city. And as the duty
of presenting you their congratulations devolves upon me, I have in
accordance with the usages now common among all public speakers,
transmitted a copy of the remarks I intend to make, to the end that
you may be released from all embarrassment.
"With great consideration, &c., &c.,
"VAN STIVER SKIMMERHORN, "Commodore Commanding, &c., &c."
"To the Hon. Major Roger Potter, On board the sloop 'Two Marys.'"
On hearing this read, the major's head seemed to fill with various
suspicions, for his hands again went into his inevitable pockets,
and he gave his shoulders a shrug expressive of his thoughts. But
his suspicions never stuck to him long, and he soon found comfort in
the fact that there was the commodore's full name attached to it. He
then set to teasing his beard, and giving himself to his thoughts.
"Pray, young man," said he, "say nothing of my trade in tin, for I
see these are men of quality, and, having heard of me only through
the newspapers, know but little of my true history. But, let my
enemies say what they will, I am not a man to stand at trifles.
Honors never puzzle me: it's the thickness of them. I say, though,
that when fame puts a man on the pedestal he must never think of
falling to the ground, for that would be a fear unworthy my
profession." He now read and reread the commodore's letter, and at
length said, that though he had written speeches for and given
grammar lessons to New York members of Congress, the composing a
suitable reply on such an occasion as this alarmed him not a little.
In truth, such little things belonged entirely to polite society,
and required a grace and diction rarely attained by politicians.
Indeed, he regretted much that he was not where he could obtain the
services of one of those New York critics, who, being the sons and
grandsons of poor bishops, write learned book notices by the yard,
and get up addresses for distinguished actresses, who deliver them
on occasions of receiving bracelets and necklaces from their
admiring friends. "Remember, young man," he resumed, "that the path
of honor is open to you as well as me. I say this, because it has
just struck me, that we can best fulfill our obligations to one
another, by your writing the speeches and me delivering them. Heaven
forbid that I should want to wrong you; but we must take up the
fruit as it falls. Now surely you will write me a neat reply to this
fellow-say much about what I have sacrificed, making it, at the same
time, so easy that they shall not have a suspicion of the
authorship. And above all, endeavor to make me speak like a sensible
gentleman."
Having taken great pains to aid the major in all his exploits, I was
more than anxious that he should deport himself properly on this
occasion, and hence readily consented to accept the task of
preparing his reply, selecting for the service all the choice words
I could find in an old speech of Thomas Benton's, delivered by him
many years ago, in reply to an address in compliment of his thirty
years' services in the United States Senate, and presented by a
committee of the Young Men's Missionary Society for distributing
bibles to indigent authors. It must here be said of these young
gentlemen, that they had no masked motive in thus complimenting the
venerable senator, which they did simply from hearing that his
compassions had taken a new turn.
I soon arranged the method of my important task, and was teaching
the major how to deliver the speech, when a barge was seen along
side of the commodore's yacht. Then a salute of seven guns announced
the embarkation, and when the smoke rolled away, the barge, rowed by
eight sturdy fellows, was seen skimming over the sea, and making for
the Two Marys with all speed. "Upon my soul they are coming, and a
merry party they are," said the major, settling himself in his
strange uniform. The barge pulled alongside, as the portly figure of
the commodore, his chapeau raised, stood up in the stern for a
moment, and then mounting over the rail was on the deck of the Two
Marys in a trice. The major now came forward with an air of pomp and
circumstance it would not be easy for the reader to paint in his
imagination, unless indeed he had seen General Webb on his way to a
tea party. The commodore now elongated his body and bowed, and the
major elongated his body and bowed; after which they approached one
another as men so distinguished ought to do, when he of the tall
figure, who accompanied the commodore, came forward, and with great
deference of manner did the honors of the introduction. And when
they had exchanged civilities and bows to their satisfaction, the
commodore spoke as follows: "Since, sir, the high honor of
presenting you with the congratulations of our club devolves upon
me, I may here be permitted to say, that no event of my whole life
has afforded me so much pleasure. In presenting, then, their hearty
congratulations, welcoming you at the same time to our great
metropolis and its hospitalities, I cannot too highly express my
sense of the many services you have rendered the country, which owes
you a higher reward than this club can bestow. In addressing the
great and the good-the hero who has fought his country's battles,
and the statesman who has carried her safely through impending
dangers, our emotions too frequently carry away our power to render
due homage. Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for this
feeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a statesman
and patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well known and
appreciated among us. You have, whenever your country required, lent
it the strength of your arm and the influence of your high position;
and we seek to pay you homage, because we know, that should she need
it again, you would not be found wanting. Nor do we forget your high
personal worth, for we have read how well and worthily you have
acted the part of a philanthropist, in raising up suffering humanity
and redressing the outraged. As an humble expression of our esteem,
we beg you then to accept the services of the squadron under my
command, in escorting you to the city, where your many political
admirers are prepared to receive you with such honors as greatness
never fails to command." The speaker concluded, maintaining his
gravity of countenance. But the major bowed and was not a little
confused, while several of those who stood by, cried out "bravo!"
and were much diverted.
"Truly, Mr. Commodore," replied the major, whose head was so thin
that he had let every word of the speech I prepared for him get out
of it, "as a principle, you may set it down that the weight of an
honor is best felt by the man who has deserved it. In accepting the
flattering tribute of respect you offer me, let me say, that
although I am no scurvy politician, and have opinions enough of my
own, I intend to let history take care of my acts, for the verdict
of the nation, which is an exacting tribunal, is rendered in my
favor, and if the devil and my enemies only mind their business,
there will be no need to meddle with it, as I have heard it said of
other men. And now that I am more a man of acts than words, as no
doubt you have read, let me say that I accept this great honor, the
sincerity of which is evident in the earnestness with which you
offer it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your great
metropolis may grow greater and be all you expect of it; and like a
chaste and virtuous woman, do you see to her, that she be not
exposed to the designs of demagogues, and that her virtues creep
along with her fair fame." The major delivered these remarks with so
much ease and fluency, that the listeners stood in silence, and
began to think the man they had had described to them for a fool,
was in truth an eccentric politician, who was using this mode of
discourse only as a means of deception. But when he invited them to
examine his horse and pig, which he did while giving the most
wonderful description of their varied good qualities, and the many
services they had rendered him, the color of his brain at once
discovered itself.
One after another, the party, having exchanged congratulations,
engaged the major in conversation, and found that he had ready
answers for all their questions, though many of them were far off
the mark, illustrating the fact, that his mind had been much given
to the affairs of the nation, of which he had the most confused
ideas. In order to afford the visitors some diversion, he also
uncaged his pig, and made him perform a series of antics truly
wonderful, and with which they not only expressed themselves highly
satisfied, but deeply interested.
The major now visited the commodore's yacht, and was received with a
salute of thirteen guns, which he felt in his heart were solely in
compliment to his humble worth. A party of richly dressed ladies
were on board the yacht, and received the major with so much
deference, that he felt sure not even the slightest mark of respect
had been omitted. In fine, the ladies all gathered about him, and
were so eager to emulate one another in showing him respect and
conciliating his favor, that even Flora, who declared herself his
first admirer, could with difficulty get an opportunity to present
him her souvenir in the shape of a wine cup bearing her name. "Ah!
sir," said Flora, reproachfully, "last night you condescended to
smile upon me, and I took your smiles for serious intentions.
Indeed, I say it in honest truth, that your winning manners had much
affected me, though my heart is not of the melting sort. But now,
sir, I see you are an arrant coquette, and no exception to the rest
of your profession." Another damsel of comely features had set upon
the major, and was exciting his vanity to no small extent, when
Flora interrupted with the above remarks, preserving a most
impatient countenance as she did so.
"As I live, fair maiden, I have no wrong intentions, for my wife,
Polly Potter, is not yet dead; nor is it right of a soldier to
trifle with the weaknesses of woman. Being a soldier and no
flatterer, I will say this, that your beauty has made me your
vassal, and had I a dozen hearts, ten at least would be yours."
When they had frolicked with him to their hearts' content, they
escorted him into the cabin, where a sumptuous collation was
prepared, and to which he, after considerable ceremony, sat down and
ate enough to have satisfied three critics for at least a week. They
then plied him with punches and other strong drinks, which were so
mixed as to seriously affect his brain, for it began to reel up his
vision, and he broke forth in the most spasmodic strains, addressing
those present, whom he declared a political assemblage, on the state
of the nation. In my determination never to swerve from the truth in
this history, I am compelled here to record, that the Yacht Club
found they had paid dearly for their joke, inasmuch as the major,
adopting the conduct most in fashion among the politicians of
Tammany Hall, did, during one of his strongest oratorical displays,
suddenly spring upon the table, demolishing much valuable glass, and
making wreck of everything in the vicinity, which, as a popular
politician, he swore he had a right to do. The state of confusion
being now complete, the ladies ran screaming up on deck, and it was
with great difficulty the major could be restrained from behaving
himself like a madman. At length, from raving about the state of the
nation, he relapsed into a state of stupor, in which he became so
insensible that they were all alarmed lest death step in and put an
untimely end to his existence. In truth, so much did they fear the
result of their joke, that they would have sent for a parson and
begged him to pray kindly for the poor man, but that he opened his
eyes, and gave out such other signs of returning consciousness as
assured them that the only danger now to be feared was that he would
soil certain portions of his raiment, which, were it to get out,
(and there were always malicious persons ready to speak ill of a
politician so famous,) it would do him irreparable damage.
And now, having transcended the limits of my chapter, I must beg the
impatient reader, if he love a joke, and have no scruples about its
nakedness, to turn to the next, where he will find a result to his
satisfaction.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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