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CHAPTER XXI.
WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE CAUSE WAS EXPLAINED.
ALMOST the first words spoken by the recovering woman were,
"Husband, now that I have collected my senses, and come to remember
how it all happened, I feel you have done grievous wrong to the poor
man, for truly it was no fault of his."
"Fault of his!" exclaimed the captain, interrupting her in surprise.
"Pray, whose fault was it then? Did I not see him with my eyes, and
in his shirt? The devil take me but if it was you who seduced such
an ill begotten thing, I will soon wash my hands of such a wife,
though she had borne me a score or more of children."
"Listen, dear husband," replied the good woman, her eyes swimming in
tears, "and lay nothing wrong at my door, while your anger has got
your reason; for I know you will suffer most when you come to know
the cause of all the bruising you have given the poor man." The
major now gave out a series of pitiful groans, and so bemoaned his
fate, that even the hardest heart must have dissolved into sympathy
for him. And though he had no sooner gained the use of his tongue
than he declared by all the saints in the calendar, not less than
six of his ribs were broken, and that his skull had received, on a
square guess, half that number of fractures, neither a rib was found
disturbed, nor the slightest fracture in his skull. The blood had
flowed from flesh cuts, which only required a little dressing to
restore his head to its original good condition. Ordering a sheet
brought, I threw it over the major, got him upon a seat near the
companion way, and commenced dressing his wounds, while one of the
sailors held the lantern. "Providence, which directs all things, and
more especially the movements of the soldier, must have ordained me
this bruising, else I should not have got it," said the major,
shaking his head admonishingly, and casting upon me a look of deep
mortification. Ever and anon wiping his nose, as if uncomfortable
about that organ, he expressed considerable anxiety lest his face
should have got scarred; for he was as vain of his personal
appearance as a great New York general I have in my eye, but whose
acts of heroism have never got beyond the columns of the almost
pious newspaper he edits. Being assured he was in no way disfigured
about the face, he raised his hands, and called heaven to bear
witness that he never in all his life concerted wrong against his
friend's wife, though he had had amours enough, God knows. He then
commenced to give an account of how he came in the questionable
predicament for which he got the bruising, saying, that in his
anxiety to secure Duncan, who, he feared, might get overboard, he
entirely overlooked the scanty nature of his raiment, for which he
was ready to offer an apology, and swear that all beyond that arose
from the great misfortune of having tripped his toe. All this the
good woman was ready to confirm with an oath, if such had been
necessary; but indeed it was not, for the very simplicity of the
recital so affected Captain Luke Snider, that he would have gone
upon his knees, and offered no end of atonement for the wrong he had
done him, had not the major reached out his hand, and with a
magnanimity truly wonderful, declared there could be no stronger
evidence that they were both gentlemen, than by settling their
differences in a quiet way. And if one condescended to offer an
apology, the other ought at once to accept it condescendingly.
If, then, Captain Snider had shown great agility in seriously
damaging the major, he now lost no time in bringing balms to heal
his wounds, and rendering him such other services as his condition
demanded. The good woman, too, was not a whit behind any of them;
for on regaining her equanimity, she busied herself bringing liquids
and linen, and so bound the major's head with plasters and bandages,
(two of which were crossed over his nose,) as to make it present a
pitiful picture. Indeed his whole stock of valor was gone, and no
one would have recognized the head with the two little eyes blinking
through the cross bands as that of so renowned a military man as
Major Roger Sherman Potter was known to be. He now thanked heaven
that it was no worse; and having asked several questions concerning
the safety of his horse and pig, said, he verily believed greatness
was better illustrated in what a man suffered than in what he did on
the field of battle--an opinion which seems to be largely shared by
the adventurous heroes of this day, since the more they are
vanquished the more they value their own greatness. Notwithstanding
this, it must be confessed he had a slight misgiving as to whether
his military dignity remained undamaged, since the blows were
inflicted with a club, and not a sword. And, again, it afforded him
consolation to think that the greatest men known to history had
suffered great rebuffs while doing the world service.
The Two Marys was now well in shore, and being apprehensive lest the
major's condition should take an unlucky turn, Captain Luke resolved
to steer for Tarpaulin Cove, where the aid of a physician could be
called in, if necessary, and also a fresh stock of pumpkin pies
procured. For though the major had been got nicely into his berth,
his dosing was accompanied with sudden spasms, arising from acute
pain.
The sloop now continued on her course without anything remarkable
occurring, and arrived at Tarpaulin Cove about nine o'clock on the
following morning. And, notwithstanding the major was up and
apparently quite comfortable, for he was suffering most from the
wounds in his dignity, he refused either to go on shore, or to have
a physician called to dress his wounds. Nor did he lisp a single
word about having resided at the Cove not many years ago, where he
pursued the business of a dealer in melons and onions, which he
suddenly abandoned, whether for want of success or otherwise, was
not generally known among his creditors, who had remained ignorant
of his whereabouts up to this day, though it was more than once
given out, that he had taken to the trade of a "critic of books,"
and was in the employ of a New York publisher.
Indeed the major was not only silent on the subject of his residence
at Tarpaulin Cove, but expressed great impatience to get away from
it, saying, that as his friends in New York would be waiting his
arrival in great suspense, no time ought to be lost along the road.
And when he saw the boat coming off with a stock of fresh provisions
and the doctor, he retired to the cabin, and there quietly engaged
his thoughts over an old newspaper. The doctor was a rough sort of
man, and, although he had given much time to the study of medicine,
and was celebrated for the purgatives with which he killed his
patients, while preserving the gravest demeanor, could not suppress
a smile when brought to confront the major, at the sorry figure he
cut in the bandages. "The case seems more serious than I had hoped
to find it-an eighth of an inch only saved the cerebral; but I hope
there is no fracture, for that would incur one of those delicate
and peculiarly dangerous operations it has not fallen to my lot to
perform for so many years, that I fear it would not become me to
undertake it, though I was at one time celebrated for my skill, and
indeed made my reputation on these sort of cases," said the
physician, taking a small packet from his pocket, and advancing a
few steps toward the major, who moved away apace, and applied
himself more assiduously to his newspaper. The doctor was at a loss
how to account for this movement on the part of the invalid, and
turning round to the captain, begged he would say to the gentleman,
that he came not of his own accord. In fine, that it was rather to
pay his compliments to such distinguished persons as he had been
informed were on board.
"As to that, Mr. Doctor," replied the major, who overheard what was
said, "if you will but leave me your good will, I think I may
venture to get along without your plasters and purgatives, for my
constitution remains undamaged by such things." The doctor now came
to the conclusion that he had been made the victim of a joke, and,
quickly retreating to the deck, he demanded five dollars of the
captain for the visit, admonishing him in no very amiable terms of
the consequences, in case he refused. But the captain had not five
dollars to his back, though, as he expressed it, he had good staunch
property enough to buy a village in Rome. "Then put me ashore!" said
the doctor, "and I will see what virtue there is in the Squire." He
was soon set on shore, with the loss of nothing but his temper,
which is either the cheapest or the dearest thing in the world to
lose, but which may be regained at any time by applying to the
village parson. The anchor was then got up, and with a fine, fair
wind, the "Two Marys" continued on her voyage, to the great joy of
the major, who now began to relate certain things concerning his
residence in Tarpaulin Cove, where, according to his account, he had
held the high office of Justice of the Peace, and given such eminent
satisfaction in the administration of justice, that his name became
famous all over the state. As to the doctor, whose name was Killsly,
the major described him as as arrant a rascal as ever compounded
nostrum or thrust pill down the throat of unwilling patient. "You
may have thought my conduct toward that man unusual, considering the
habitual courtesy of my profession," said the major, addressing the
captain, "but I hold it right, that a man of honor should treat a
great knave, which I knew him to be, precisely in the manner I did.
Killsly, it was found, shortly after he came to live at the Cove,
had been an abortionist in New York, where he dashed about in a
livery of great brightness, and had a purloined crest of so curious
a device that no one could make out what it meant, though several
had applied to Mr. Hayes, of Broadway, who supplied the wives of
grocers and linen drapers with arms and crests, (as the dwellers in
Snob Avenue have it,) charging only four shillings and sixpence for
his services, including advice as to what color the livery ought to
be. Killsly was in high favor with what is there called fashionable
society, which, out of sheer respect for his skill, afforded him no
few opportunities for the exercise of it. At length he got mixed up
in a singularly delicate but very common difficulty, which rendered
it desirable to make a change of residence. Well, he came to the
Cove, and here might have lived as every good man ought to live,
loving God and keeping his fingers out of his neighbor's affairs;
but a damsel, who tossed her feathers at the rustics of the village,
and would coquette only with city beaux, chanced to be overtaken by
a by-blow and had need of his skill, it being necessary to protect
her virtue, which her friends described as being whiter than snow.
But death, which scruples not in such matters, betrayed the secret,
and sent the whole village into a fever. There being no doubt of
Killsly's guilt in the matter, I thereupon had him arrested and
brought before me; and, being the guardian of public morality, I
ordered him to prison, there to await the sitting of the County
Court. Believe me, gentlemen, I would, as I failed not to tell him,
have had him well hanged, had the case been left entirely with me.
But I leave it to others to speak of the justice of my judgments.
Now, though I say it, he called me a fool; and for that it would
have gone hard with him, since society can well afford to lose all
such vagabonds. But justice was weak in the screws, and he at last
escaped between what is called a flaw in the indictment and the
ingenuity of his lawyer, as is generally the case with such knowing
fellows." All this and much more, the major said, and would have
sworn it true. The sailors listened with grave demeanor, and were
surprised and amazed at what they considered his extraordinary
wisdom.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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