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CHAPTER XVI.
WHEREIN IS RECORDED EVENTS WHICH TOOK PLACE ON THE DAY FOLLOWING THE
MAJOR'S ARRIVAL AT BARNSTABLE, WITH SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS.
THE sun was filling the east with golden filaments, and the sparrows
were making the air melodious with their songs, glad, no doubt, at
the major's return, when, on the morning following the events I have
recorded in the foregoing chapter, I was awakened by a voice singing
sweetly under my window. I soon recognized it as the voice of
Bessie, whose image rose up in my fancy as the fairest of living
creatures. At first, my senses seemed seized with a pleasant
delirium; but soon the strains came so sweet and tender that I lost
all power over my emotions, while it seemed to me as if my fancy had
winged its way to some land where love and joy rules unclouded. "O,
sweet transport, whither wilt thou beguile me!" I said with a sigh,
as the voice ceased its singing, and the effect was like an electric
shock, consuming me with disappointment. But I heard the dulcet
echoes mingling faintly with the songs of birds, as if some seraph
had strung her lute to give sweet music to the winds; and I was
consoled.
After a few moments' pause the voice again broke forth from the
garden, and I caught the following words, which, if I can trust my
treacherous memory, belong to a song written by the learned Dr.
Easley when in the tutelage of his literary career, and heaven
knows, (for he was then a priest of slender means,) before he ever
thought of translating German or becoming the pensioned puffer of
three New York booksellers: "Come, gentle stranger, haste thee
hither, Tarry not, for I am lonely--Come and tell me whom thou
lovest Or the throbbing mischief will my heart betray." This being a
fair and honest specimen of Easley's early attempts at
versification, it was said of him by those best qualified to judge,
that had he but stuck to the pulpit and sonnet writing, he would in
time have become an adept, for he could compose pathetically enough,
and so regulate his points as to make his theology appear quite
profound. But he had a weakness which ran to the getting of gold,
and this betrayed him into the commerce of literature, where he had
become a critic of easy virtue, and had attracted about him
innumerable adorers, principally maidens of twenty, whose elegant
endowments and clever novels he could not sufficiently extol.
Besides being a poet and a great praiser of small books, the learned
doctor had a rare talent for making ladies' slippers, which, it had
been more than once hinted, was the trade of his early youth. It was
now charged upon him, though I do not assert it of my own knowledge,
that he had found it profitable to become the assassin of criticism
and the undertaker of literature, for which offices he was amply
qualified, notwithstanding the very serious writers in Putnam's
Magazine thought he ought to be transported to Sandy Hook, there to
do penance among the breakers a whole November. And this punishment
they would no doubt have carried out, but for the two newspapers and
four booksellers, who stood in so much need of his virgin goodness
that they refused to part with him even for a day.
After another pause, the voice of Bessie again struck up, and this
time she sung: "O, had I Ariadne's crown, At morning I would sing to
thee--Would sing of dew-drops on thy ringlets, Then my Apollo thou
should'st be." This, also, was by the learned Doctor Easley, and is
extracted from a poem published in his native village many years
ago. Having great confidence in its numerous beauties, which the
villagers, being humble people, failed to discover, the doctor
resolved to seek his fortune in New York, confident that first rate
poetic talent never was appreciated in the country.
The sweetness of Bessie's voice (not the words) so enchanted me,
that I arose, dressed myself, and hurried down stairs, and into the
reading room, where the little deformed man was premeditating the
ill fate of his lecture. He returned my salutation with great
earnestness of manner, told me he had walked three times around the
square, listening to the birds sing. And, too, he had been regarded
by young Barnstable as an object of curiosity. Impatient to engage
me in conversation, he drew forth his notes, which he as suddenly
shut up and returned to his pocket, on seeing the clerical looking
man enter the room, accompanied by his bride, her countenance the
very picture of innocence betrayed.
The little deformed man had evidently taken a dislike to the gray
haired and milky faced groom; for no sooner had he pocketed his
notes than he set to pacing the room rapidly, frisking his fingers
alternately behind and before him, and casting half angry glances
over his shoulder at him. I took advantage of this display of
irrascibility on the part of the lecturer, and passed into the hall,
where Bessie, having ceased her singing, was busily arranging the
furniture and attending to those little domestic duties which, in
towns where fashion rules, are left to untutored servants. She
received my salutation with a modest courtesy, but became so
confused and agitated as I pressed her hand, that, unable to resist
the temptation, I stole a kiss ere she was conscious of my
intention. "It is not kind of you, sir," she said, in a half chiding
whisper; "you must not do it again." And she set her black eye upon
me, inquiringly, and artlessly raised her apron, as if to wipe away
the blushes. Fain would I have pressed her to my bosom, and
beseeched her to regard me as a brother. But her face suddenly
became lighted up with a smile, and such was the perfection of its
beauty that to me it seemed created only for an angel. I asked
myself if there was on earth any thing I could aspire to with so
much gallantry as her love; nor could I suppress the thought, that
he who would betray it was unworthy even of the devil.
Bessie quickly regained her temper, and as if suddenly recalling
something to mind, began prattling to me in the most artless manner.
"Just think, sir," said she, "what a disturbance there is in town
this morning." And she laid her hand gently upon my arm. "That queer
man they call the major, and who is thought half fool and half
philosopher, has got back; and there's always such a time in town
when he comes. And, don't you think, he has brought an audacious pig
with him. And the pig has gone to work (they say, sir, that he is
possessed of a devil) and broke into poor Elder Boomer's fowl yard,
and eat up all his chickens. And the brute does such queer things!
As for the poor elder, God knows he has a hard enough time to live.
He only gets five hundred dollars a year, and what the sewing circle
does for him. Only last week the circle gave him new dresses for all
his family, and a nice three-ply carpet, which I made for him. I
forgot to tell you, too, that about a month since the circle gave
him a new set of dimity bed curtains, and two marseilles quilts; and
now they will have to make him up the loss of his chickens. Just
think of it, sir! And he's such a good old man, and preaches such
good sermons. I do wish, you could hear him once, sir." Here Bessie
paused to take breath. I assured her that he must be a fortunate man
who had such lips to speak his praises. At which she gave me a
rogueish look, blushed, and tossed her head reprovingly. Nothing, I
replied, would give me so much pleasure, especially did she bear me
company, as to attend the elder's church; but, however strong my
inclinations, they could not now be gratified, for the imperative
nature of my mission left me but one or two days to tarry in
Barnstable. This caused her feelings some disquiet; but with great
good sense she changed the subject of conversation, and commenced
giving me a detailed account of the various kind acts performed by
the sewing circle, of which she was a member, and which was chiefly
made up of worthy ladies, who sought out the needy and relieved
their wants, knowing that charity well bestowed is recorded in
heaven.
The sewing circle exercised a sort of paternity over all cases of
distress, and according to Bessie, never withheld relief, except
when the object requiring it was given to strong drink. In truth, it
was held that something must be done for all persons in distress;
and so many were the poor foreign families moving into town, that it
was seldom the circle had not its hands full. As to the provision
prohibiting strong drink, it was found at times to work somewhat
inconveniently, inasmuch as most of the objects of charity, (the
clergy excepted,) liked a little; and being of foreign birth they
could always find the means to get it, though they generally swore
they had not wherewith to get a penny loaf.
"And what is worse," resumed Bessie, recurring to the mischievous
pig, "as if it wasn't enough that the elder lost all his chickens,
but some evil-minded people must go and get into the church, and put
a coop full of poor little fowls on the pulpit. O! there's such an
ado about it over town!"
It being the custom of the country to breakfast at seven o'clock,
and that hour having arrived, a man in a blue smock frock issued
from a side door, (Bessie vaulted up the hall as he entered,) and
commenced ringing a bell in so loud a manner that I verily thought
he would alarm the whole neighborhood. An opening of doors, and a
general movement for the dining room, a long, simply furnished, but
exquisitely clean apartment, was now made. A table covered with
linen of snowy whiteness, and set out with great good taste, ranged
up the center of the room; and we sat down to a breakfast of steak,
and ham, and eggs, and cold chickens, and fish balls, and hot rolls,
and corn cakes, and brown bread-all prepared so nice and delicately,
that even the most fastidious could have found nothing to grumble
at. Indeed it was said of the the landlord of the "Independent
Temperance," that he spared neither pains nor expense in the
management of his house, which had gained much fame over the
country, though it had thrice made him a bankrupt with three score
of creditors, who were always ready to say wicked things of him.
Some people said if the temperance society would only let him have
his way, he would pay, and no thanks to anybody.
Bessie, and two trimly dressed maidens of riper years, waited upon
the guests, nor thought the occupation bemeaning. And so nimble were
their movements, and so gentle the manner in which they dispensed
their courtesies, that I began to regret my bachelorhood, and to
wish all male attendants exiled to Nantucket, where their habitual
unclean condition would find a welcome among the whalemen.
I had well nigh dispatched my breakfast, when there arose a loud
noise, as of voices in dispute, in the bar-room. Bessie began to
tremble from head to foot, and to turn pale. "You must give up the
pig, or stand the chances-now mind that!" said a voice which I at
once recognized as that of the renowned Major Potter.
"Heaven knows I am a man of peace; but you must make good the loss I
have suffered. All this trouble and mischief is done by the
audacious brute you have brought into the town. You go out for good,
and always come home bringing the town trouble. I have warned you of
the error of your ways. But since you take not heed, we shall see
what virtue there is in the Squire." This was said in a more
modified tone of voice. Bessie said that it was the voice of Elder
Boomer.
"You needn't think you are such a treasure! The town can get along
well enough without you. By my military reputation, if I don't think
all this ado about the poor pig is a trick to get the advantage of a
neighbor you imagine hasn't got as good a lien upon heaven as
yourself. Now, good man, do you take the safest plan, give the
animal up to its owner, and trust to heaven for the price of the
chickens, for it is written somewhere, that peace makers, being
blessed, should not be peace breakers-"
"To quarrel is not my desire," interrupted the elder; "for such
would not become me, who have no experience in arms; but I enjoin
you to give up the life you are living, and so turn your energies to
Christ's truth, that you may become worthy of heaven."
"Heaven has nothing to do with my pig!" rejoined the major. "Nor do
I think this talking of heaven, while keeping him in bondage, will
amount to much. Come! turn him out, be a christian, practice what
you preach, and trust to heaven for the reward, as you would have me
do!" To this the elder replied somewhat testily, that he would keep
the animal fast locked up until the damages were settled,
notwithstanding his faith in future rewards was in nowise shaken. I
entered the bar room and found the major thrusting his hands into
the huge pockets of his trowsers, walking round the elder, who was a
man of meek aspect, and singularly lean of figure. Then canting his
head with an air of self complacency, he enjoined the elder not to
separate his works from his faith.
No sooner had the major caught a glance of me, than he approached,
saluted me as became his military rank, and drew me aside to show me
how handsomely the Patriot had recorded his arrival. This done, he
commenced recounting the causes of his dispute with the parson, who
would every few minutes speak up, and dispute the truth of his
assertion, which so displeased the major, that had the parson been a
fighting man, he would have challenged him to mortal combat, as it
is called. As it was, he contented himself with getting in a
passion, and swearing to have revenge, though it cost him six years'
separation from his wife, Polly Potter.
Although famous for his disregard of truth, the major affected never
to have his word disputed, and was at all times ready to draw his
sword in its defence. "Heaven, as you know, knows all things, sir,"
said he, addressing himself to me; "and it knows me incapable of
doing a dishonorable act. And therefore I say to you, for I hold it
an honor and no disgrace to be a politician, that if you will hear
patiently the cause of my dispute with this parson, I will accept
your decision in the matter as final. But, heaven save the mark! use
your judgment a little, sir, and be not like some of our judges, who
seek to please those who promise most, and having little virtue, ask
you to accept their good advice in excuse for their evil example."
The major having said this with an air of conciliation, gave his
head a significant toss, and his trowsers, which had got loose about
his hips, a few twitches into place.
It now came to the parson's turn to speak. He shook his head at
first, and was not a little reluctant about acceding to such terms;
but on being assured of my position as a politician, who had done so
much for Cape Cod, and the hard cider campaign, he resolved to
accept my decision as final. Meanwhile, the major had screwed up his
courage, and was making a circle round the parson, and loudly
calling upon the landlord to bear witness that it had been his motto
through life to wrong no man.
Numerous idlers had by this time gathered round the disputants, each
giving his opinion on the merits of the question, and offering to
back it up with dollars or drinks. Indeed, some of the opinions
delivered by them were quite as profound as any delivered by our
City Justices, and indeed discovered a superior sense of prudence.
But it soon became evident that popular opinion was on the side of
the major and his pig. And popular opinion was right, the major
said, and ought to be respected all over the world. At this juncture
of affairs, the lean figure of the nonresistant, (who was sure not
to be far off when there was any chance of a disturbance,) stood in
the doorway, and immediately engaged in the dispute. "I have not
come (heaven knows I have not!) to give an opinion; but as I am
here, it may be as well so to do, for heaven knows I am a man of
peace, which it is my mission to preserve." The nonresistant was
here interrupted by the major, who squared up to him with clenched
fists, and bid him begone, or he would make splinters of him in a
trice. The man, however, was not daunted by such threats, and
getting his choler up, told the major he verily believed him to be a
mixture of Jew and Celt, and as such, always more ready to talk than
fight. He then told the parson, that although he held him in no very
high favor, he would hint for his own sake, that he could in no way
get the better of his enemy so well as by releasing the pig from
custody, and delivering him into the hands of his owner, saying:
"'Neighbor, prudence being the twin brother of peace, and both being
acceptable to heaven, I have thought it well to restore thee thy
pig, that thou mayest comfort him. He has eaten up my chickens, it
is true, and he has otherwise done me grievous harm; but I freely
forgive him, seeing that heaven made him a brute. Thou mayest take
care of him; do for him what seemeth good; and know that as a
christian I bear thee no malice. Let the good offset the evil, and I
will trust in heaven to repair the loss I have suffered.'"
The nonresistant held that kindness was of itself so great a weapon,
that it would incite generosity in the major-in a word, that he
would give all his tin ware, with old Battle thrown in, rather than
let such goodness suffer. But the major was not so easily seduced,
and, calling the nonresistant a miscreant, he again bid him begone,
or he would hasten his exit with the toe of his boot. On assenting
to sit in judgment on the case in dispute, I took the precaution to
stipulate that peace be preserved, and that the one should keep his
lips sealed while the other was making his statement. But the parson
commenced his statement by declaring the pig to be possessed of the
devil; indeed it could not be otherwise, he said, since the strange
antics it performed, and which he minutely described, betrayed a
desire in him only to do evil. This the major immediately rose to
dispute; and thrusting his hands into the ample pockets of his
breeches, he declared with great emphasis, that he would not hear a
word said against the pig's morals and sagacity, seeing that he had
been reared and educated in the care of the clergy. In truth, he had
given out so many proofs of rare sagacity, that the major stated it
as his intention to speedily proceed with him to New York, there to
have his "Life and Times" written by the erudite Easley, who was
said to be strangely profound as a critic, in which capacity he
wrote for three newspapers, and read for three or more publishers,
all of whom where celebrated for not selling less than one hundred
thousand copies of every work to which they affixed their imprint,
though it was said of them that they had thrown to the public no end
of literary carrion, which Easley had praised.
Order being restored, the major gave way to the parson, who closed
his case by asserting that his poverty entitled him to compensation.
The major now rose, and with considerable clearness, set forth the
fact, that no evidence had been produced to show either that the pig
was disposed to evil, or that he had devoured a single chicken.
Feathers were scattered round, but feathers might have been laid
there as a blind by some rascal who had divers evil designs against
the hen roosts of his neighbors. Christians ought always, the major
contended, to take a generous view of things before they couched the
fatal spear. Again, there was neighbor Kimball's pet fox, an arrant
rascal, who was known to have a strange penchant for young chickens,
and had committed depredations enough to consign him to the gallows.
The above view of the case somewhat modified the parson's temper,
and as he would not have those present think him less than a
Christian gentleman, who would rather go supperless to bed than
wrong his fellow, he, in the blandest manner, begged them not to
think for a moment that he intended wrong. So, with great sanctity
of countenance, he laid his hand upon his heart, called Omnipotence
to witness that he bore the major no ill will, and was ready to
atone for aught he had said damaging to his feelings. And this
display of repentance well nigh dissolved the major into tears. The
disputants now shook hands, and swore eternal friendship. The major
bowed, and placed his hand to his heart; and the parson bowed, and
placed his hand to his heart; and thus was I relieved from rendering
a verdict, which most likely would have pleased neither. It was
likewise intimated to the parson, that the sewing circle would make
good his loss, with fourfold interest, which consoled him much.
Together then the two friends, without further ceremony, set out to
release the animal from bondage, congratulating one another that
they had been wise enough to keep out of the hands of lawyers. On
arriving at the parson's yard, to which they were followed by a
crowd of idlers, they were not a little surprised to find that the
pig had taken his departure, having first beaten the dog in a fair
fight, and twice driven the kitchen maid frightened into the house.
Great anxiety was now manifested to see an animal of such rare
qualities; and on further search being made, he was discovered in
neighbor Kimball's yard, fraternizing with his pet fox, and
otherwise conducting himself so unbecomingly, as to make it evident
that the friends of free love had inducted him into the mysteries of
their system. In truth, he bore no small resemblance to a few of the
disciples of that very accommodating system, for he was lean of
figure, had a long, narrow head, and a vacant look out of the eyes.
"Duncan! my own Duncan!" ejaculated the major, his broad face
flushed with joy. The animal raised his snout, gave a significant
grunt, and ceasing his caressings, ran to his master, a double curl
in his tail. Having got possession of his property, the major
returned thanks within himself, invoked a blessing on the head of
the parson, whom he cursed in his heart, and set out for home,
followed by his pig and a score of mischievous boys, making the very
air resound with their hootings.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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