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CHAPTER III.
IN WHICH IS RELATED A PLEASANT MEETING WITH A RENOWNED MAJOR.
EARLY on the following morning, before the sun had hung the eastern
sky with golden mists, my mother was astir, and in due time had a
plain but substantial breakfast prepared. And, too, I heard my
father muttering his misgivings in an adjoining chamber. My valise,
nicely packed and strapped, stood by the door; this I thought a
contrivance of my father to shake my resolution. Indeed I must
confess that whenever my eye rested upon it, an emotion of regret
moved me, and my fancy filled with an hundred perils that seemed
incident to my career. The earnestness of my mother, however, always
restored me to confidence. Her motto was, never despond, nor sit
idly at home, when fame and fortune are to be gained by going
abroad. She did everything with great cheerfulness of manner, and
though the frosts of fifty winters had made snow-white the hairs of
her head, and plowed their furrows deep into her oval face, there
was a vigor in her action that might have excited the envy of youth.
Though I could not suppress the effect of those reminiscences of
home, which on the eve of departure from it, rise up and disturb the
feelings, no sooner was breakfast over than I shouldered my valise,
and with my father on my left, and my mother on my right, sallied
forth to the garden gate, where we halted before taking a last
parting. The favorite watch-dog, Tray, who had gamboled with me in
my boyhood, and held himself worthy of protecting me in his old
age, followed us, wagging his tail in evident delight at the
prospect of bearing me company. A soft breeze fanned over the beach,
the dew-dripping rose bushes, that lined the green-topped picket
fence, waved their tops to and fro, the sparrows whistled and sung,
and wooed, as if Providence had made them for that alone; and all
nature seemed putting on her gayest attire to inspire me with
resolution.
"My son," said my father, grasping me tightly by the hand, as the
words trembled upon his lips, and the breeze played with his gray
locks, and his eyes filled with tears, "if go you must, be a man in
all things; but heed not the sayings of men who talk loudest of
being your friends."
"Why should he not go, daddy?" replied my mother, who was accustomed
to addressing him in this manner. "Be your own judge of the world,
my son, nor ever think bad of it until you have made your virtues an
example to others, for they who condemn the world most have least to
lay at its door." She then took my hand affectionately, and after
gently rebuking my father for his attempt, as she styled it, to
excite me to melancholy, which she held to be a great enemy to
youth, kissed me and bade me adieu. And I set out, taking the road
to Barnstable. They both leaned over the little gate, and twice
exchanged adieus with me, as I turned to have a last look at all
that had been so dear to my childhood. Faithful old Tray bore me
company, and wagged his tail approvingly, and the rose tree tops, as
I fancied, waved me a God speed; and the wind whispered joyously;
and the birds flirted and sported before me on the sandy road, and
tuned their songs to the temper of my feelings.
Between me and Tray there existed the uninterrupted friendship of a
lifetime, the recollections of which I have sometimes thought of
writing for the benefit of future generations, seeing that to write
one's recollections, (to which may be added the recollections of
others,) is become extremely fashionable. Tray had been my companion
in many an adventure, all of which I thought he at this moment
treasured in his memory, and would have recounted were he possessed
of the power of speech. Having ascended a piece of rising ground,
about a mile from the house, I sat down by the road side, intending
to take leave of him and send him back, according to the request of
my mother. He immediately planted himself close by my side, laid his
great paw incessantly upon my knee, and, with looks of regret, would
have expressed the friendship he bore me with caresses. Indeed there
seemed a hidden goodness in his heart, a nobleness that caused the
current of his friendship to flow with much gentleness, and a
singleness in his mute appeals to my approbation, that I could not
help contrasting with the insincerity of those dogs who go about the
world on two legs, and imagine themselves most valiant when
devouring one another.
After resting for a few minutes, and casting a longing look over the
scene behind me, recalling, as it did, so many old associations, I
told Tray that we must part; and that as he was now well down in
years, perhaps we should never more meet again. He seemed to
understand all I said to him, and, as I patted him gently upon the
head, repaid my friendship by caressing my hand, and turning upon me
several sympathetic looks. On telling him that he must go home, he
hung his head, and drooped his tail, and moved slowly into the road,
several times halting and casting reluctant looks back. Then he
stretched himself down in the sand, and placing his head between his
great paws, watched me out of sight.
Having journeyed about two miles, I reached a cross-road, and saw
approaching one of those great wagons familiarly known in that part
of the country as "tin wagons." It was drawn by an exceedingly lean,
gray horse; and a short, fat man, with a broad, florid face, beaming
with good nature, was mounted upon a high seat, made of a bundle of
sheepskins. He was squint eyed, spacious mouthed, and had a nose
that was flat to the end, which turned up in a short pug. His hair
was of a sandy color, and parted carelessly down the center; and his
dress was of well-worn gray satinet, which sat loosely upon his
rotund figure. His hat, of soft black felt, was drawn well down over
his low forehead, and but for his beard, which was thick and matty,
one might easily have mistaken him for a cross between a Dutch
washerwoman and a pumpkin-bellied quaker.
His team moved along at a measured pace, as if keeping time to the
song he was singing, with great flow of spirits, for his own
entertainment. I waited until he came up, much amused at the manner
in which he every few minutes cracked his big whip. "Stranger!" said
he, in a shrill, squeaking voice, "which way are you
journeying?-what can I do to serve you this morning?" He reined up
his team, and dismounting in a trice, extended his hand with a
heartiness I was surprised to find in a stranger. "Jedediah Smooth,
the renowned fisherman, is my father, and I have set out in search
of fame and fortune," was my reply. At this he set his small, but
searching eyes upon me, and seemed confounded, the cause of which I
was not a little anxious to learn.
"Son of the worthiest of fathers!" he exclaimed, in a voice of great
earnestness, "my delight at meeting one whose fame as a politician
has preceded him, knows no bounds." Again he shook my hand
fervently, as a pleasing delirium seemed to have seized upon his
senses. "Accidents are sometimes equal to conquests," he continued.
"Know, then, that you confront Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly
called Major Roger Potter. Like a titillation of the fancy, I have
been thrown up and down by the tide of political fortune and
misfortune until I became sickened of it, and resolved to seek
obscurity, and live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and such
wares as the good people of this remote part of the world might have
a demand for. You must not judge me by the calling necessity has now
forced me to follow, for I hold it right, and in strict accordance
with the nature of our institutions, that when fortune forsakes us,
we stand not upon the order of a reputation, which at best is but a
poor thing in time of need, but give ourselves manfully to any labor
by which our hands may preserve the honesty of our heads. It is much
better, I think, than following the fashion of our politicians, who
reward the people who send them to Congress by neglecting their duty
to the country, and studying those arts by which they can
appropriate to themselves the choicest spoils."
The Major now led his team a little out of the road, hung his feed
bag to his horse's head, and while the animal was eating, spread a
sheepskin upon the ground, under some elder bushes, and invited me
to sit down to a plentiful supply of crackers and cheese, to which
he added a quart of cider drawn from a small keg he kept secreted
under his box. He also discovered to me the fact, that in addition
to every variety of tin ware, mop handles, washboards, crimping
moulds, and wooden faucets, he kept a small supply of fourth proof
brandy, which he sold to those who had a want in that line for
winter strained sperm oil, a name convenient enough to suit all
purposes. In truth, the good people of the neighboring villages had
taken so strongly to the temperance cause, that no spiritous
liquors could be got of anybody but the doctor, and then only on a
certificate from the parson, who vouched for your good character,
and set forth that to the best of his belief, it would be used only
as a medicine. And the doctor, who had a scrupulous regard for all
good and well regulated communities, took a joint interest with the
parson, and so raised the price of this sort of medicine as to make
the trade an extremely lucrative one. But as the rich were never
known to be denied, and the poor had not money enough to enjoy so
expensive a cure for their maladies, which were greatest in number,
the popular enactment became not only a grievous, but a very
oppressive monopoly. And this monopoly the major, who esteemed
himself a great public benefactor, sought a cure for in selling for
three shillings a pint, an article equal in quality to that for
which the doctor and the parson demanded ten. But this, he said,
very good naturedly, he was compelled to do on the sly, for though
his customers were principally poor people, if it got noised abroad,
nothing could save him from the fury of a mob of pious and very
orderly people, who would get up town meetings and vote him down an
intolerable nuisance. This done, and the market for his tin pints
and washboards would be closed for ever.
Having refreshed ourselves with the crackers and cheese and cider,
the Major very pleasantly commenced recounting a little affair of
honor he had been called upon to adjust but a few minutes before,
and as he was proud of his skill as a diplomatist, the recital
afforded him an infinite amount of pleasure.
"Parsons and doctors," said he, taking a copious cup of cider, "no
doubt imagine themselves (and they have an undisputed right so to
do) to be the very embodiment of natural benevolence and inviolable
fidelity. But there are things of an opposite nature, to which their
hearts and inclinations are as susceptible as those of the tenderest
virgins. I was pursuing my journey this morning, when 'old Battle,'
my horse, who has smelled powder enough to make his nerves more
steady, pricked up his ears at something he saw in the bushes by the
roadside. Reining him up, I dismounted, and to my great surprise
discovered two well-dressed men fast asleep, locked in each other's
arms. 'Faith of my father!' says I, 'who's here?' A slightly
guttural sound was followed by a hoarse voice answering, 'It's only
me.' And then a lean figure, with two well-blacked eyes, and a face
otherwise disfigured, disconnected itself from its fellow, rose to
its haunches, and stared at me with wild dismay. A white neckcloth,
somewhat besmeared with blood, denoted his profession. On coming to
his senses he aroused his companion, and commenced charging him with
being the cause of the sad plight he was in. Neither seemed to have
a very distinct recollection of the event that had founed them in a
condition so disgraceful to them as respectable citizens; and the
other protested his innocence of any misdemeanor, but was equally at
a loss how to account for the disfigured face of his companion, and
was about charging the whole affair to a dispensation of Providence,
that being the most convenient and fashionable method for disposing
of such things. But the man of the disfigured face, who was no less
a person than Parson Stebbins, (and his companion the doctor, of
whom mention was made in the foregoing chapter,) clung tenaciously
to what he was pleased to call his love of facts, and said he would
come out with it all, that the truth of history might not be
impeached.
"They had been spending the evening at your father's house, and were
regaled with cider of such uncommon strength as to make a deep
impression upon their sensibilities. The doctor declared they
drank nothing stronger, notwithstanding the parson accused him of
having a small flask in his pocket. It was late when they left the
house; and as they had been warmly discussing whether it was right
in the sight of God to hang a woman for killing her drunken husband,
without coming to any decision, they agreed to change the subject to
one of a theological character, it being absolutely necessary that
they have something to debate on their way home. The doctor inquired
of the parson, what he thought of the doctrine held by many popular
divines, that God made Moses and Elijah visible to the Apostles on
the occasion of the transfiguration. The parson, after pausing a few
moments, and remarking that he had a curious feeling in his head,
which seemed to sit unsafely upon his shoulders, replied that the
question was of too abstruse a nature to be debated by any but
members of his own profession, to which it of right belonged. If he
were to speak his mind it would be to give doctors in general no
very high reputation for either morals or religion. 'True history
never gave them much mention; and though Aristotle had treated their
vagaries with great condescension, Cicero never could be got to look
with favor upon them. Yours is a mischievous profession, the members
of which are always seeking the demolition of useful sciences.' This
the parson said in so angry a tone that it excited the pugnacity of
the doctor, who was scrupulous of his profession, and declared he
would not stand by and hear it slandered.
"They had now staggered among some laurel bushes at the side of the
road, when the doctor, having inquired if the parson meant anything
personal, and not receiving an immediate answer, fetched him a blow
that felled him to the ground, and almost simultaneously followed
him. And now so great was his fear of having done him bodily injury,
that he seized him in his arms, and, thus embraced, they had slept
until I disturbed them. Each now commenced giving a confused version
of the affair, criminating and recriminating in a manner that only
served to increase the disgrace to which it attached. The doctor
protested his innocence of the deed, while the parson continued to
discant upon the consequences that would result from the
disfiguration of his features. At the same time they both intimated
their readiness to have me sit in judgment upon their affairs, and
accept my decision as final.
"When they had put on their hats I bid them sit down upon a
moss-covered hillock, and hold their peace. Having done this with
great good nature, I seated myself on an opposite one, and commenced
to deliberate upon their case. The state of debility in which they
had unfortunately found themselves on the previous night must,
doubtless, be put down to the strength of the cider. The debility,
then, being acknowledged, neither could be held accountaable to the
other for acts committed while morally insane. As to the imputation
cast upon the medical profession by the parson, even were it done
when the mind was morally sane, it ought only to be set down to the
natural envy existing among members of different professions, and
was much to be deplored, for instead of one being ambitious to claim
a superiority over the other, they ought to regard themselves
coworkers in equally good causes, and for the advancement of a
common humanity. In order to settle the questions they had attempted
to debate, I proposed that they adopt the rule laid down by our
noisy Congressmen, each being satisfied in his own mind that he had
demolished the arguments of the other, and for ever settled the
question at issue. The battering they had given each other was a
thing of the past. Was it not better then to let a bygone be a
bygone, rather than seek a technical satisfaction, that while it
afforded the public some amusement would only bring themselves a
great deal of pain? They could no more recall the past than they
could make a set of rules for governing the appetites of the people.
There were always simpletons enough to believe that they could be
cured of consumption by taking such nostrums as cod liver oil and
Wistar's Balsam; so also would the world always be pestered with men
simple enough to believe that every man must square his inclinations
to the measure of their own. But one point now remained to be
deliberated upon, and that was how the doctor should atone to the
parson for his damaged face. I, however, soon overcame this, by
suggesting that it would be no more than right, and equally becoming
of a Christian, that the parson accept the doctor's deep regrets in
offset for the injuries he had received in his features. This the
parson, who was not to be outdone in his benevolence of soul,
readily acquiesced in; and thus was saved the trouble of calling in
the aid of a lawyer, who, with no earthly hope of restoring the
broken peace, would have made destructive inroads upon both their
pockets. The two now shook hands, and with expressions of the
highest esteem for each other, thanked me and took their departure
for home."
I had my suspicions that this story was a romance of the Major's own
manufacture; nor were my suspicions dispelled by any subsequent act
of his. And notwithstanding he was ready at all times to redress the
wrongs of thirsty humanity, he kept a sharp eye to the equivalent,
and had an inveterate hatred of all who opposed his free trade
principles, which, in a measure, accounted for the story of the
doctor and the parson. In truth, he had the facility of an Arab for
manufacturing romances, which he used as a means to demolish his
enemies, as will hereafter be shown in this history.
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Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis
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